the annoyed army wife

New Blog!

2012-01-16T08:42:00.004-07:00

It all happened so fast. I'm at a new address, but it might take a few days for this site to redirect you. The new address is a well-adjusted-pessimist.com.

The new facebook fan page is here. Please excuse my fb lameness; it's been over a year since I've been on fb and it's changed somewhat.

The new RSS feed is here.

On the new blog you can also subscribe via email.

I can't promise I'll do everything right (right away at least) since I'm still learning WordPress, but I can promise my 'voice' will still be the same no matter what I call myself or what color my background is.

Oh, and when you go to my new blog and see how awesome it is and you want your blog to be that awesome you should know who is behind the html. I went with Utterly Chaotic Designs. My experience is a whole 'nother post of its own.

How Do You Follow?

2012-01-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to WordPress, people. It's official, my new site is a well-adjusted pessimist. I want to know how you like to follow blogs, so I can make your life easier. I'm moving my Google Friend Connect thingy with me to WordPress, so if you follow like that you should be good. But eventually GFC might be going away for non-Blogger people. So, I want to make sure I cover all my bases for you, my dear readers.

I'm on bloglovin'. Bloglovin' is actually how I follow blogs (Thanks, Caitlin!). And, finally, I'm working on a facebook fan page for my blog, so you facebookers can do whatever it is you do to follow blogs there. On the new blog there will also be an RSS feed for you to grab.

Anything else I can do to make reading my blog easier for you? How do you follow blogs? And if you don't want to follow my blog once I move, that's cool, too.

Acorn Squash with Apples

2012-01-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

I find most of my recipes online in various places or in cookbooks, that's why I never really post them because I figure you've been able to find the same ones. I found this recipe in a catalog and haven't been able to locate it online, so I'm going to share it with you all because it's delicious. And plus acorn squash is in season and cheap!

For Christmas my mom and sister-in-law got me spice collections from Penzeys Spices. A few months ago I rearranged my spice drawer (the organization lasted about 2 seconds) and made a spice wish list. I can't afford to buy all the spices at once or else OccDoc and I would be spicing up our ramen noodles for the rest of the pay period. Well, Penzeys Spices has delicious spices at reasonable prices! Really reasonable prices! I have no idea how they're in business, but I'm glad they are. Oh, and they didn't pay me for this, but I just like sharing gems with you when I find them. And their catalogs have yummy recipes in them.

Here's the original recipe with my edits:

Acorn Squash with Apples
2 acorn squash
1/2 c melted butter (I used about 1/4 c)
1/4 c dark brown sugar (again I used about 1/2 that)
2 c peeled and chopped Granny Smith apples or other tart apple (oops, I didn't peel mine)
1-2 tsp. minced orange peel spice (I didn't have that so I just used orange zest)
1/4 c raisins (I doubled this - I like raisins)
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350*. Chop each squash in half and scoop out the seeds. Put the 4 halves in a baking dish, cut side down, and bake for 40 minutes.

Combine half of the melted butter and the brown sugar in a bowl and mix well. In a separate bowl, combine the apples, orange peel, raisins, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Stir to blend, then pour the other half of the melted butter over it (the butter without the brown sugar). After 40 minutes flip the squash halves over so they are cut side up and stab them with a fork to make vent holes. Brush the surface with the butter and brown sugar mixture. Fill each half with the apple mixture. Bake for an additional 30 minutes or until the apples are tender.

Prep time: 10 minutes, give or take
Cook time: 70 minutes
Serves: 4

Old Friends We've Never Met

2012-01-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm back, well, I was back yesterday, but I spent most of the day vegging out, mentally unpacking the previous 9 days in Chicago caring for an aunt who is busy killing brain cancer and fighting for her life at the age of 55. There's nothing I can say about the week that won't elicit a response to the effect of, 'Wow, you had a rough week; I'm sorry to hear that.' I don't want the pity and sympathy of others for helping someone I love and respect; I think anyone in my situation would have done a similar thing for a valued, close relative. And if not, then they should get their heads out of their asses.

Last Saturday I got a day off from caregiving. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but so glad to finally have a few hours to myself. I was going to meet up with an old friend. Someone I've never met, but an old friend, nonetheless. As I drove down to Champaign from my aunt's house (about 2 hours) I let my mind clear and focused on not thinking, planning, or scheduling. It's a harder task than most people think. I switched on the radio and didn't really listen to the music, but then it happened. I glanced over to read a text my mom sent and responded viserally to it. I spoke to Aunt and Uncle XYZ (not the sick one) and they had high praise for you. I didn't text back because I don't really want to die, but made a mental note of calling her. The ugly cry began. All the makeup I carefully applied was dripping down my cheeks and pooling where my sunglasses rested on the bridge of my nose. I cried for a solid 20 minutes; it felt good to get it all out before starting my afternoon of fun with my old friend.

I've met several other bloggers and I always think the same thing when I do, 'They're exactly what I thought they'd be like.' And we always mesh like old friends catching up. It's amazing. It was no different with chambanachik. From the moment I saw the Illini sign on the front door to the last second of our visit, she was exactly the person I knew. We visited for awhile in her cute apartment, I reapplied some makeup since I was a hot mess from the ugly cry, and headed out to a Mexican place I used to frequent when I was a student of the U of I. Over lunch we gabbed and gabbed about Sky and OccDoc, about the army, about the yummy food, about Millie, just about everything. The conversation never had a lull because it seemed there was so much to talk about. We drove around Champaign a bit and stopped at a tea/coffee/chocolate shop to pick up some decaf tea for my aunt. The shop was one of Erika's favorites as well as mine while I lived there.

Since I don't have any decent photos of myself, I asked Erika to snap a few photos for me. I thought like 10 would be fine, but she ended up taking several dozen. We walked around Champaign-Urbana and she let me tell her stories of different places and their impact on my life. Of course I didn't take any photos, so if you would like to see a sampling of the photos taken kindly pay chambanachik a visit. The afternoon was warm, so I convinced Erika we didn't need coats. Um, yeah, oversight on my part; we froze our asses off as the sun descended. Back in the heated comfort of the apartment I got to meet a pint-sized celebrity, none other than Miss Millie. Holy crap, she is even cuter in person, if you can believe that. She's one of those little kiddos who warms up to you fast and has to show you all her toys. Too cute! We played with her toys and read a story. Before I knew it, I had to be on my way to take over the night shift at my aunt's house. It was a short day, but a much needed respite with a dear old friend!

Completing my Blog's Look

2012-01-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

I should be coming home today barring all weather in Chicago. LOL! Hopefully we get home today. Anyway, in the next few days you might notice a change around here. I'm having my blog re-designed. Well, that might be an understatement. I'm completely having an overhaul. Don't be surprised if you see a new design, new title, new url, and suddenly you are directed to Wordpress. I'm not exactly sure how it will work, but an awesome blog designer guru has assured me it will all work out. More on that later.

All the posts for the last ten days or so were written in advance and scheduled, so the rest of this week I may or may not be updating you on the past few days. I haven't decided. My aunt's story is not mine to tell. My posts will most likely focus on my experience, which may seem selfish and self-centered, but again, my aunt's story is not mine to tell. Like all blogs the readers only get a glimpse into the blogger's life and experiences, just a slice of their life. I feel my blog is my outlet about my life. I try, and am not always successful, to keep my writing about me and my experiences. And not to put words in other people's mouths. Except OccDoc, he doesn't count. He's married to me and has to play along. Also, my family doesn't know about my blog (because then where would I come to complain about them?) and I feel like I need my aunt's permission to talk about her, which I'm not going to ask for. But I want to thank you (and I know she would want to thank you) for your prayers.

Oh, and I do know one thing. I had a bloggy date with an old friend that I've never met before while I was gone, so you most definitely will be hearing about that! Even though I'm writing about the future right now I know we're going to have an awesome time and I can't wait to tell you about it (but by the time this post is posted it will have already happened!)!

Completing the Kitchen's Look

2012-01-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

Now that I've fixed the shoe problem in the kitchen I have created a new decorating conundrum. The shoe cabinet is missing something. Something on top. Something to keep its top from becoming a dump all for OccDoc. I can't decide what it needs. I grabbed various decorating elements from around my house to get ideas. What do you think? What can I put there? The thing I put on the shoe cabinet needs to be kind of small since the cabinet is only like 7 inches deep.

After putting my little clay pots on it, I think I like the asymmetrical look.

I'm just using the tree for height and shape. Maybe a tall, cool looking vase?

Or a clock? I'd have to get another clock since this one belongs in our living room. I think I like the darker colors.

A plant? Eh, I'm kind of looking for something to last 8 months, and I'm not sure I can keep a plant alive inside my house that long. Although maybe one of those rosemary trees would last. Thoughts?

A small rabbit with a taller vase/item? This poor little bunny is homeless and has pretty much spent its life in a box. I just can't find anywhere for him in our current place. Maybe next house, little bunny.

Oh, what a dilemma. I like the height of the tree, but the darker colors are really appealing to me. If you want to know what colors are in my kitchen, it's mainly teal, red, yellow, basically stuff from that picture. It was my inspiration for my colorful/obnoxious kitchen. Any suggestions for search terms I can use in pinterest? I don't even know where to start to find something as specific as I need/want. Any suggestions at all? Oh, and I don't want to spend very much money, so probably thrift stores, HomeGoods, Tuesday Morning, stores like that. I think Pottery Barn and Crate & Barrel are out of the running. Even Target might be too pricey for my budget. Think cheap and cute.

Shoe Solution

2012-01-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was going crazy over the disaster in my kitchen? The shoes by my door? And I demanded OccDoc take me to Ikea at once to resolve said solution? Yeah? Of course you do, it was a major event. If you don't remember or you're new, you can read the pivotal post here. Well, I've finally cleaned the house so I'm not embarrassed to take photos. And I found my camera. So, that means better quality photos, just not really better photos.

That, people, that is what I was dealing with. My husband and I are equally to blame. We're just too lazy to be bothered with walking our shoes up to the bedroom to put them away. No shoes on the carpet. If your husband worked at a nasty health clinic surrounded by sick people you would make him take off his shoes, too.

Here is what you've all been waiting for! The new shoe cabinet. Turns out it is one serious piece of furniture. I got the dimensions before we bought it and realized I wouldn't be able to get my number one choice simply because it was so freaking big. The good news is that the cabinet only sits about 7 inches away from the wall, so it doesn't actually take up too much space.

Yes, I do realize the picture is off-center. It actually looks weird to be centered on that wall, plus, there's a light switch that operates nothing on the wall. Not even the outlets.

Here's our shoes all nice and tucked in. I can fit about 3 pairs of my shoes in one drawer and 2 pairs of OccDoc's shoes. We had an empty drawer and I shot OccDoc a murderous glance when he went upstairs to get more shoes to 'fill' it.

OccDoc even hung a coat rack, so we don't throw our coats and purses, well, my purses on the kitchen chairs anymore.

Can you believe this?! A clean kitchen table! And no stupid shit scattered all over the chairs! Finally! A kitchen I'm not embarrassed to photograph! Well, there's a reason the dogs' corner isn't shown; it's still a disaster with dog beds and blankets all over the place, but we'll pretend that doesn't exist. On Monday I will need some help thinking of finishing touches for the kitchen. Stay tuned.

The Fake Tree Question

2012-01-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

We have a fake tree. We always try to figure out the best time to take it down. We don't want to do it too soon and pretend like Christmas never happened, but we don't want to wait too long and try to figure out if we should just leave it up year round and decorate it for different holidays. We almost always leave it up until New Year's Day just trying to extend the festive feel in our living room.

This year is kind of messed up since I'll be gone for the first part of January. I determine when we take the tree down and pack everything away. OccDoc will be home by himself for about a week, so I'm really curious to see if he'll try to convince me to take the tree down before I leave or if he'll do it himself or if I'll come back to see everything as I left it. He's kind of a neat freak and likes order, so I can see him taking it down sooner rather than later. But, he also loves the lights, so he might be tempted to leave it up longer to enjoy (and take a nap on the couch by) the lights. I'm not even sure which option I should put my money on. I guess time will tell.

For people with fake trees, since real tree people are on a different schedule, when do you take your tree down? Do you have an un-decorating tradition, you know, like some of us have a decorating tradition? Or do you just take it down when you get sick of looking at it?

Old Fashioned Drinks

2012-01-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

Here is the other drink we had for Christmas, specifically Christmas Eve. For dinner I made steak au poivre and glazed carrots, so I thought it would be fun to have old fashioneds to drink. In other words I felt like getting drunk fast apparently. Here's another recipe I took from foodandwine.com.

First you have to make simple syrup for this drink. Take a cup of white sugar and a cup of water and put it in a sauce pan. Let it boil, then turn it down to simmer for 3 - 4 minutes while it gets thicker (be sure to stir it). Pour it into a glass mason jar and store it in the fridge for simple syrup to use for the next month. Don't spill it because it's super sticky.

Ingredients:
- One 1-inch piece of vanilla bean, split
- One 1-inch piece of orange zest
- 1/4 ounce Simple Syrup
- 2 dashes of orange bitters
- 2 ounces bourbon
- Ice
- 1 orange wheel

We live in a stupid state with oppressive drinking/alcohol laws so it is hard to find drink making ingredients. We couldn't find orange bitters, so we used aromatic bitters and about 3 drops of orange essential oil in each drink.

To start the drink muddle the split vanilla bean and orange zest with the simple syrup and bitters (and essential oil). Don't completely annihilate the ingredients while muddling.

Add ice and pour in the bourbon. We were out of black label so we had to use white.

Garnish with an orange wheel.

Get ready for some old-fashioned good times with this sipping drink.

He was still sober here and just giving me the eye in this photo. Looking at this photo I can't believe how much thinner his face looks! Way to go, OccDoc! Now drink those empty calories up!

Fending For Himself

2012-01-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

When OccDoc was deployed I often thought about what would happen if the tables were turned, shoes on other feet, etc. What if I went away and OccDoc was left to fend for himself and feed the dogs and rabbits? What would I come home to? Turns out I get to find out. OccDoc's not going to be home by himself the whole time I'm gone just for about 5 days, but I think in left-alone-man-time 5 days equates to approximately 5 weeks.

I've gone back and forth with myself if I should have prepared him some freezer meals, but then I realized we have a ton of freezer meals and meat so I'm fairly certain he won't starve. Or, even worse, get fast food take out every night. I didn't do a super thorough house deep cleaning before I left. I cleaned the bathrooms (but didn't scrub), vacuumed (but didn't dust), cleaned the kitchen (and washed the floor), and cleaned out the bunnies' area and litterboxes. Not a deep clean, but clean enough that I don't feel like OccDoc is wallowing in filth for a few days. I went grocery shopping to make sure OccDoc has enough food to make himself lunches, eat breakfast, and to snack on things. It's all healthy food, but I know OccDoc won't go to the store by himself and he'll just eat what's in the house.

Before I left I felt like I needed to tell him everything. How much laundry detergent to use. Where the extra toilet paper is and how to load it on the roll, since he obviously does not know how to do that as evidenced by the last 7 years of sharing a home. Where the cleaning supplies are (not sure he'll actually use them, but just in case). The combo to the safe. How many times the dogs need to be let out a day. How much the dogs eat, even though OccDoc feeds them about half the time when I'm home. To watch out for Dennis, the giant rabbit, because he bites, even though I have a large bruise and tooth mark on my forearm from a Christmas Day tussle with the monstrous rabbit that OccDoc witnessed. OccDoc knew just about everything I told him, and the stuff he didn't know I'm fairly certain he would have figured out.

I wonder, do our military spouses worry about us as much as we worry about them when they leave us alone. OccDoc has never cleaned the house for me before a TDY/business trip/training/deployment/etc. The only freezer meals I've had are the ones I prepared. He's never tried to do absolutely all the laundry the day before he left to ensure I had many choices in clothing while he's gone. He's focused on the mission, and I guess doesn't have time to worry about me. I'm focused on my 'mission' as well, but I know I'll be fretting that my husband is standing in the middle of the kitchen with my apron and oven mitts on not knowing where we keep the salt. The table salt is on the kitchen window ledge, the kosher salt is by the food processor/egg boiler, and the fancy salt is off limits so don't look for it, darling.

Do you worry about your husband when you're gone? Do you think they ever worry about us not being able to take care of ourselves when they're gone? I just find my worrying so funny since OccDoc is a grown-ass man and can probably live 5 days as a bachelor, but who knows.

Time Away From Here

2012-01-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a very safe and happy New Year's celebration. Right now I am remembering what it's like to experience traffic and be in a short drive from family because I'm back home in Illinois. This week I'm helping out an aunt who has a pretty crappy form of cancer. She's in week five of her first round of radiation and chemotherapy. I'll be here for about a week driving her around, cooking meals, and basically giving my cousins and their families a break from fulltime caregiving.

I know it's not going to be an easy week for me. It's hard to see someone you looked up to, respected, and aspired to be like as a child turn into someone else because of tumors in their brain. It's hard to see suffering and pain, especially in those you love. It's hard to see your stoic German family show emotion (something we aren't too good at). It's hard to watch my aunt's children and grandchildren go through this, knowing it probably will just get worse. For these reasons and a few other reasons I'll be on a break this week and probably part of next week while I process the experience. I hope you'll be patient with me the next week or so. I have some scheduled posts meant to entertain and distract you from my absence. I'll be back to complaining about my own life in semi-real time shortly, don't you worry.

For those of you who can spare some prayer time, please pray that my family finds peace and is able to cope with the situation. I don't think we can ask or hope for much else.

New Year's Eve Cocktail

2011-12-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Like every Christmas OccDoc and I experimented with some new drink recipes. And Kelli wanted to know more about this one, so here you go, Kelli! This drink in particular we'll do again for New Year's Eve because it was tasty, very alcohol-y, and most importantly, pretty. I'm not creative enough to come up with my own recipes, and this one is no different. It's called La Real and from foodandwine.com. I just added some nonprofessional photos to the recipe.

Ingredients:
- 8 ounces silver tequila (about a cup)
- 8 ounces pomegranate liqueur
- A bottle chilled brut sparkling wine (the original recipe called for 24 ounces)
- 8 thin orange twists
- 4 ounces triple sec

I think orange twists are just pieces of orange peel that you twist over the drink to get the oils out. Or at least that's what I did. Then toss the peel into the drink after twisting.

The recipe is supposed to serve 8 if you pour it into the correct glass. We didn't. We used wine glasses to limit trips to the kitchen for refills. Pour the tequila, pomegranate liqueur, and triple sec into a container and chill it. When it's chilled/cold stir it and divide it into 8 chilled flutes or do what we did and use wine glasses and fill it up halfway. Use 3 ounces of champagne or once again just top your giant glass off with champagne. Garnish with a piece of orange peel, oops, I mean an orange twist. Think of a creative toast and enjoy!

Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve! If you aren't celebrating at home, be sure to have someone sober drive your drunk ass around. To those of you driving drunk people around, thank you.

Oh, OccDoc

2011-12-29T08:00:00.002-07:00

Even after listening to me complain about having my feelings hurt, picking up chicken for dinner on his way home from work, and doing the dishes last night OccDoc still finds time and love in his heart for me to do things like write notes on the white board before he leaves for work.

Of course now I have to reapply some powder over the fresh tear marks down my cheeks, but I am so lucky to have a guy like that. I should probably make steak for dinner tonight. Or maybe just make dinner.

More News...

2011-12-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

***Before I begin, I didn't mean to make my last post so depressing, but rereading it today makes it seem like OccDoc and I did nothing but mope around and cry. We didn't. I promise. We were too drunk to realize we were sad. Just kidding, kind of. It was a fun Christmas Eve and Day, but overall this season was not so good to us.***

Last night OccDoc got a call at work from me asking him to pick up a rotisserie chicken on the way home. He knows this is code for, 'something bad happened and I don't feel like getting off the couch.' And by something bad I mean someone else is pregnant. He came home (with the chicken) to find me soaking in the tub, glass of wine in one hand, and brand new nook in the other hand (in a ziplock bag of course). For a nice touch I added the bath salts he got me. At least I smelled nice.

He asked me a few times how I was doing to which I replied 'fine'. After a few moments of my lies he went to take off his boots and change. Over dinner, chicken in front of the TV, he asked again. He gets upset and feels bad when he hears someone else is pregnant, too, so it's never really fun for him to hear whatever I'm brooding over.

Remember the infertility group I went to? It's once a month and I've been to 3 meetings? Yeah, it was going along peachy-keen and it was so nice to be with a group of women in real life who can understand how crappy infertility is. At the last meeting one of the woman announced she was pregnant; I already knew since I saw her at the clinic on the day she got her positive. I was happy for her. There were four of us in the middle of IVF, and I was the only one who got their 'result' for the last meeting. I told everyone the story, which I was kind of reluctant to do since I didn't want to crush anyone's hope with a bad outcome, but I told the story as everyone looked at me with the most sympathetic eyes they could muster.

Anyway, so yesterday I got an email from the group's leader, who was also going through her second IVF (paid for by insurance which makes me crazy jealous). She got a positive test on Christmas. I'm happy for her, well, was happy for her. I realized it's not so much finding out someone is pregnant, but it's something they tack on to their pregnancy announcements especially when they tell someone like me. It's usually something to the effect of 'I just know this will happen for you' or 'Once you're pregnant, I PROMISE everything you are going through will all be worth it' or some other line meant to make me feel better but only makes me feel worse. It's like when people say 'Oh, you don't understand because you aren't a mother/married/a grown up/retired/employed/blond/etc., but once you are you'll understand.' Maybe this is true, but you kind of sound like an a-hole saying it like that.

I'm fairly certain eventually we'll end up with a child, but if I get pregnant I'm not going to instantly run around telling all my infertile friends that I'm so sure it's going to happen for them because it happened for me and it kind of sounds condescending, at least to me. Maybe condescending isn't the right word, but I'm sure one or two of you out there know exactly what I mean. And just because someone is pregnant does not mean they are psychic. Why do so many people get these things confused? I don't want women to pregnantly stand there and tell me everything is going to be okay. Just like I didn't want people to stand next to their husbands and tell me everything was going to be okay when OccDoc was deployed. There were many times it came very close to not being okay. And, no, I don't know what people can say that is non-offensive to me, but maybe just leave off the statements meant to make people feel better because it usually backfires and makes them feel worse.

I know some of you probably think I'm being too sensitive, and I shouldn't be so critical of people just trying to make me feel better. But I just want people to stop trying to make me feel better because most of the time they screw it and make me feel worse. Unless you are psychic, do not try to tell me it's all going to be okay. Even if you know it's going to be okay, just keep that little secret to yourself and let me realize the okay-ness when I get to the point of acceptance. Oh, and I'm not really talking to anyone in particular and probably shouldn't have use 'you' so much in this post because now you probably think I was talking about you, but I'm probably not, unless I am referring to you, in which case I hope you take this to heart.

The Christmas Post

2011-12-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

OccDoc and I spent Christmas alone this year. After the past few weeks we weren't feeling particularly holly or jolly, so we decided to not share our moody moods. That meant a quiet holiday. I made some steaks and glazed carrots for Christmas eve while we drank vanilla bean old fashioneds. That's about all I remember. Just kidding, we exchanged gifts we got for each other. I had told OccDoc that I was not going to church this year because 'I didn't need to hear another story about someone who got pregnant easily.' Gasp all you want, God knows I'm pissed at him.

On Christmas day we feasted on pizza from Chicago (mailed to us frozen and baked in our oven) and a spectacular beverage that combines tequila and champagne as well as a few other things. The pizza wasn't huge, but we did manage to get lunch and dinner out of it. Probably because we filled up on sugar cookies in between.

Christmas shopping for OccDoc was less than stellar this year since I wasn't really in the mood. I got him some shirts in a new smaller size since he's swimming in all his old clothing. I picked up a mirror you can use to find things in your car engine (long inside joke) and some fancy after shave moisturizing balm stuff (unscented as I have never smelled a man's fragrance I enjoy). Finally, I got him a BMW ballcap which he seemed way too excited for, but since I know him so well I know it wasn't an act and he was really that excited for a hat. Oh, and he got some K cups for the coffee maker I got him for his office for his birthday a couple weeks ago. I prefer to grind my beans at home, but he loves the single cup brewing systems. Now we can both enjoy coffee our separate ways.

OccDoc never buys from my list for Christmas, instead he creatively picks out gifts that I didn't even know I wanted. This year was no different. He bought me some bath salts since I have spent hours upon hours submerged in scalding hot water these past few months. Also, to stop me from plugging a number of extension cords into each other and finally into my heating pad so I can make dinner with a heating pad on my spasmodic, cramping midsection, he bought me a heating pad you plug in for 15 minutes then unplug and enjoy warm goodness for 4 hours. No more tripping over cords while making dinner. Yay! And, finally, OccDoc scored big this year and purchased a gorgeous earring and necklace set from one of my favorite stores. Perhaps when I have an occasion fancy enough to wear it you'll see a photo of it.

This year was nice to be able to relax, but it was also a bit depressing since we were alone. All the whining I had to hear from people about having to see so many people this weekend made me jealous. I wish we lived slightly closer to be able to drive to see family and not drop a few hundred dollars on plane tickets. Things were so uncertain when it was time to buy plane tickets to travel for Christmas that we just didn't buy any. Once again this Christmas, I promised myself next year will be better, and now I'm hoping it just doesn't get worse.

Boxing Day Bloggy Date

2011-12-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, OccDoc and I went on a double date. With, get this, Mr. Superman and Mrs. S! Super fun! Way less disastrous than last year, which I attribute to the fact that both OccDoc and Mr. Superman were standing on US soil during our 'date'. Long time readers may recall what happened last year when Mrs. S and I got together...yeah, our boys were deployed and my water heater died (and flooded the basement). At least we got our craft on! Nothing slows down these two crafty bitches!

This year we all went out for a matinee movie (Sherlock Holmes - loved it) and lunch. We shared good food, some laughs, and the best of company on our date! Thank you, Mr. Superman and Mrs. S! Can't wait until we meet again.

I'm the short one, in case you didn't know.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T05:00:00.000-07:00

I hope you all have the Christmases you've been dreaming of. Take some time off to relax and enjoy the simple things. Merry Christmas!

source

Guess What I Did Yesterday

2011-12-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

OccDoc had to work late yesterday, so that meant he went into work late. He absolutely loved the shoe cabinet idea and called me a genius for finding something to get a handle on our shoe pile (thank you, pinterest). Even though OccDoc went in late we got up at normal time and headed out to get our cabinet with the Christmas check my cute grandma sent us. We agonized over what to eat for breakfast. He wanted diner food, but I whined that it was too far away and expensive. We settled on a lovely cheap, Swedish breakfast before the Swedish furniture store opened. Yeah, that's right, we 'opened' Ikea. We're cool like that.

Do you know how much more pleasurable shopping at Ikea is when no one is there? It's like 10,000 times better than trying to fight through the crowds. After tromping all over the store we finally found the shoe cabinets (main level - Home Organization). We grabbed the cabinet, some gift wrap, and holiday stickers; the gift wrap and stickers are for next year - they were a steal. I normally wait until after Christmas to buy my wrapping paper for the next year because I'm cheap like that, but I couldn't pass up this deal.

When we got home I laid the pieces out and started on the cabinet. Am I crazy for loving to assemble furniture? I know I'm just 'assembling' it, not 'building' it, but it really gives me a sense of accomplishment. Especially after it stays together when I'm done. And because I'm a bit anal I have to lay everything out, count the pieces/supplies, and read the instructions before I even dream of starting to 'build' anything.

Don't you hate it when this happens? All my careful planning never prevents the inevitable screw-up. Sigh. Hopefully our cabinet doesn't collapse in a few weeks due to the missing pieces.

Now all that needs to be done is the cabinet needs to be attached to the wall and FILLED with shoes. Photos forthcoming. It's a new beginning, people.

The Breaking Point

2011-12-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I lost my camera. Again. But, really, does having my camera help my photo quality? Um, no. So, sorry 'bout that. This isn't a photo blog. Anyway, I'm a messy person, but as I age I get more organized and cleaner. I have little piles around the house, but neat piles, that I created and that my 'stuff' resides in. My little piles don't bother me, and sometimes they become permanent fixtures of a house. The only time they get moved is when we move (every 1 - 2 years). OccDoc also has piles. His piles drive me effing nuts. Effing nuts.

This post is about a particular type of pile in our home. In a particular part of our home. A joint pile that OccDoc and I share responsibility in equally. The shoe pile by the door. It never, ever bothered me until 2 days ago. And now I want to throw the shoes out the window. But, we put shrink wrap on the windows and I don't want to mess that all up. I've been looking for creative ways to store shoes by doors on pinterest, nothing caught my eye. And, no, we can't just put our shoes away. That's a ridiculous waste of energy since we're just going to put our shoes on next time we need to leave.

The shoe pile by the front door isn't as big of a deal since we have a little bench that kind of hides the shoes. The bench is (as my mom would say) 'just for pretties' because after I recovered it I lost the screws to attach it to the base. This happened 5 years ago so I have a feeling I'll never really muster up the motivation to find new screws. So, a bench for looking at and hiding shoes, but not for sitting. If you want to sit and put on your shoes then plant your ass on the stairs.The backdoor is what gives me heartburn and keeps me awake at night. Not really, but whatever. When we let the dogs out or go into the garage we usually put on a pair of shoes since we have to traipse through the garage to let the dogs out. And, no, we aren't going to go through the hassle of putting a doggy door in considering we're leaving in less than 9 months.

I think I have found the perfect solution which I will most likely obtain before the holiday, so that we can spend Christmas assembling some swedish furniture. Who knew shoe cabinets could be this interesting? Yes, I'm sure some of you neat freaks out there think we're slobs for leaving our shoes by the door like some overgrown 12 year olds, but when did I start caring what other people thought about me? Stay tuned for a follow up post on this subject.

What Are You? Four?

2011-12-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

I must know what's in the boxes. I am like a small child when there are wrapped goodies under our fake tree. OccDoc, do not read any further or risk ruining Christmas.

I'm not crazy about finding out what are in the boxes from my parents or my brother/sister-in-law, but I NEED to know what OccDoc got me. And I already know my parents got me a Nook, not because I looked or was devious. No, because Dennis, our giant rabbit, likes to chew on wrapping paper and he unwrapped part of my gift. He unwrapped the Nook I bought my mom; I think he's drawn to Nooks for some reason. He's naughty and broke through the fortress I created to keep him away from our wrapped goodies.

Anyway, I am dying to know what OccDoc got me. He always puts a lot of thought into my gifts, agonizing amounts of thought. He never buys off my list. We still have to make lists for my mom - she's rather adamant about that. We also have to coordinate with my mom if we plan to get something from the list for someone; yeah, we're that family.

There are 3 gifts from my husband that are perplexing me currently. I believe one of those gifts, which is on my husband's desk at work since I can't be trusted, is a pair of Wicked Good Moccasins. I made an off handed comment about those slippers in November, and OccDoc said the gift came from far away. So, it must be the slippers. The other two gifts are very confusing. Originally I thought one of the gifts would be a piece of jewelry, specifically a necklace, from a particular store. I know OccDoc had trouble finding this item because we don't have a particular store out here. But the remaining two gifts are so damn heavy. Too heavy. If he did get me a new piece of jewelry I'm certain he weighted the box to throw me off.

OccDoc absolutely loves tormenting me with my gifts since he knows I go crazy trying to figure out what's in the box. He doesn't share my sense of curiosity towards gifts and patiently/lamely waits to open his gifts without so much offering a guess at the contents. Fortunately, we only have a few more days of torture left. Yes, I know I'm completely immature, but we all have our vices.

The Plan: Undecided

2011-12-19T08:27:00.003-07:00

I want to thank all of you for your kind words you left on my last post. My beta was 4. Mercifully, anything below a 5 is considered negative at my clinic, so I don't have to go back today. After reading all your kind words, and seeing that proposal on Ellen that may or may not have been a hoax, I'm starting to feel better today and ready to look forward. Wait, back up, did you guys see that on Ellen? I don't think I've ever watched a whole Ellen show, but I had it on in the background while wrapping some gifts last Thursday. As with all proposals I started welling up when he got down on one knee, then BAM, confusion. I felt bad for a few moments, but I couldn't help myself and I busted out laughing. I feel really bad for that guy if it was a real proposal, but I'm so thankful for that mood lifting afternoon laugh.

Because I was trying to be hopeful about the last cycle, I didn't think about what would happen if it didn't work out. My first thought was to finally get a 'real' job, like go back to my roots and, uh, actually use my masters degree. But, then I remembered we'll be leaving in less than 9 months. If I managed to find a job it would be kind of crappy of me to leave so soon. I used to work closely with HR, being in professional development, so, yeah, it is crappy when people leave a few months after being trained up for a job. Plus, I would feel like a major ass wipe for accepting a job, knowing I would be leaving. For now I'll stick to my low-skill, low-pay, but stress-free job.

My second thought was about when we'll do our frozen embryo transfers. After paying for 2 failed IVF cycles we have no money left to scrap together for the frozen cycles. After all the money we've spent we're back to square one: waiting. I know my body needs a break after the last cycle, so I guess it's good we're forced to wait. And, seriously, people don't flipping tell me about someone you know who was infertile then got pregnant on a break. Most likely we aren't dealing with the same infertility issues, so it's like comparing apples to oranges.

It will give me a chance to start back with the dieting (without cheating) to lose the last 15, errr, 18 lbs. During the last cycle I gained 12 lbs in 3 weeks, fortunately 9 of those pounds 'fell' off in about 4 days once everything was over. I think the last 3 lbs I gained back are real (and from cookies). OccDoc has about 15 lbs to lose, too, so we might try to maintain just past Christmas then get down to business losing the last bit of extra jiggle.

It's hard not to feel a little bit lost right now. It's our wedding anniversary today, and I can't help but think if the person I was 4 years ago could see me now she'd be disappointed. She would wonder what I've become (but think I looked damn fine doing it since I'm much trimmer now). Four years ago I thought I could have it all: a career, family, a husband with a demanding job, and my sanity. I know some people can make it work, but between the places we've been forced to live and my quest for sanity and peace I've realized I can't make it work. I can't be as driven as I once was and be sane (or not be a raging bitch to my husband). OccDoc knows I'm sad about this fact, but he always tells me he loves me more now that I'm not working 24/7 and stressed to the max. I was really, really high strung back then; I think stress has an addictive component to it that forces us to stay on the hamster wheel.

The family part of the equation, I'm sure I'll get it eventually, not sure how much it's going to cost and how long it's going to take, but one day we'll get there. It won't be the family I imagined and dreamed of, but once I'm there I'm sure I'll make do with what I get and it won't matter.

A husband with a demanding job, well, a husband at least. OccDoc has been dabbling in finding a job for after the army. He has some prospects but assures me it is way too soon to seriously start looking. He may be right, or we may be living in my parents' basement in 9 months; only time will tell. I think he actually has a pretty good lead right now, but nothing is in writing so I'm not willing to count it just yet.

My sanity. I think I have a few shreds left. Just kidding, it's intact for the most part. We've just chalked this year up to a wash. In January OccDoc called me in the middle of (my) the night and told me he didn't know if he needed to be medevac'ed out of Afghanistan and he would let me know. I waited for days wondering what was wrong with him, and finally got the call that he was going to take care of himself and not leave; it turned out fine, but it wasn't until he was home that I realized how sick he was. The last day in February I drove through a blizzard and over the Rocky Mountains to pick him up after deployment. March was spent mostly in bed getting reacquainted. In April we went to the fertility doctor and discovered why after a year plus 9 months (of a break due to deployment) we weren't pregnant. In May we discovered our dick of a landlord was selling our house, then the army told us we had to move closer to a remote post, and our first IUI failed. In June we went back to visit OccDoc's family, one of the last times we'll see his dad 'healthyish'. In July, the second IUI fails, no big shocker, just a disappointment. In August, we gear up for our first round of IVF, and OccDoc's dad lands in the hospital and will never be back to 'normal' again; OccDoc rushes home, just in case. In September, our first round of IVF flat out fails. In October, after many long discussions and lots of tears we decide to go ahead with IVF #2. In November we start IVF #2 and it takes a toll on my body because we had to use high dosages for all the stims to get my ovaries to respond. In December, we round the year out with a second failed IVF after finding out we had at least one embryo implant.

I am thankful for what we have: our health (for the most part), a strong marriage, and the ability to pay most of our bills for the time being. But at the risk of sounding ungrateful, and gasp, maybe even a little bit human, I want more.

We Don't Get What We Deserve

2011-12-16T05:00:00.004-07:00

Right after my doctor finished the embryo transfer 11 days ago he walked up to my face, grabbed my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and said, 'You deserve this.' Okay, fine, I guess that doesn't mean anything. Today is my beta day (the blood test to see if I'm pregnant). We pretty much know the answer already, some of you may have guess it based on all the scheduled 'fluff' posts I put up this week.

On Sunday (6dp5dt) I took a pee test and it was negative which confirmed the trigger was out of my body. The next day, OccDoc's birthday, I took another test because wouldn't it be nice to give my husband a positive pregnancy test on his 38th birthday? It was faintly positive, but a shitty brand, so I went out and bought more tests. Again positive. I was having mild cramping and spotting all day and took that as a good sign things were moving along. I had been taking it easy since the transfer, so I know I didn't overdo anything to cause it. Shortly after I wrapped the positive test I got hit with more serious cramps and the bleeding started.

On Tuesday I called the clinic to let them know to see if I could move my beta from Saturday to Friday so I could be miserable and sleep in this weekend. They said yes and told me there was nothing I could do about the bleeding (duh). They also told me that heavy bleeding is never a good sign, but that I shouldn't lose hope - I actually laughed out loud at the absurdity of that statement. I took more pregnancy tests at home on Tuesday and Wednesday which grew ever fainter. I don't have the stomach to take another one and see that stark white space where the second line should have been. Today I'll go in and hope my beta is negative so I don't have to go back, but with our luck I'm sure it will say something and I'll have to go in on my wedding anniversary to find out we're not pregnant again. Perfect, what a way to end this year.

OccDoc and I are both numb right now, absolutely devastated and unable to think of much else. For those of you who want to tell me stories of people in a similar situation who had 2 failed IVF cycles then magically got pregnant, please don't. Those stories don't give me hope; they make me feel worse than I already do because that's just one more person who got pregnant when I'm still not. If you want to tell me to 'stay positive' or 'not to lose hope' kindly take your positivity and hope and shove it up your ass. Because telling me I should be more hopeful and positive (which I was this whole fucking cycle) just makes me feel like it's my fault.

Last year when OccDoc was deployed and I spent most of the holiday season alone I took comfort in the fact that that would probably be our worst Christmas. Well, turns out I was wrong.

The Littlest Loser

2011-12-15T05:00:00.002-07:00

Back in March we took our Chihuahuas to the vet for a check-up; they were plenty healthy, except one thing: Marcello was too fat. He weighed in at 13.8 lbs! I knew he was chunky, but 13.8 lbs was really bad. So, Marcello, OccDoc, and I all went on strict diets. Marcello's diet is: The Less Food, More Walking, and More Petting Diet. He had his food cut from 3/4 cup a day to 1/2 cup a day (and wasn't happy about it); he also had all treats cut out but gets a piece of baby carrot, green bean, or apple from time to time as treats. They're never given people food, unless they beat me to something I spilled on the kitchen floor or when they stay with my parents. Marcello is doing well with the reduced diet, but his eyes still bulge out of his head when he hears the f-word, h-word, b-word, or d-word in our house (food, hungry, breakfast, dinner respectively).

Before From Above
Before Sitting Not So Pretty
We went back to the vet last week. The vet tech put Marcello on the scale, frowned, and said, 'I need to get a new scale; this says he's lost 5 lbs.' We assured her the scale was correct and Marcello has worked his little butt off the past few months. He now weighs in at a svelte 8.6 lbs. A very healthy weight for a Chihuahua of his size (he's a pretty solid Chihuahua unlike his sister, she's all spindly and delicate). Although Marcello wouldn't have won The Biggest Loser with 38% body weight lost, but he's still the winner in our house! iPhone photos by the Christmas tree - yay, not high quality, but I'm too lazy to put batteries in my camera.
After Standing (Look! Ribs!)
Sitting Pretty
Marcello does not like the flash on my phone; that's why he's in such an awkward position. Good job, Skinny Dog!

Need Suggestions for Caring for a Terminally Ill Aunt

2011-12-14T16:26:00.008-07:00

I'm hoping someone out there can help me find a website solution to schedule tasks to help someone undergoing cancer treatment; I could not for the life of me figure out an appropriate title. My aunt was recently diagnosed with terminal brain cancer (she's in her mid-50's and it was a shock to the whole family) just before Thanksgiving. We are trying to coordinate with family members of our huge family who does what tasks, such as bringing over dinner, driving my aunt to treatments, picking up relatives who are flying in to help out, etc. She needs to go to radiation treatment 90 minutes away from her house five days a week, and she can't be left alone in her house. A few years ago she finally divorced her alcoholic, piece of shit husband and really started getting her life together while living alone. So, she now needs a lot of help, fortunately when you have an extended family of over 30 willing, able, and ready siblings/parents/older nieces and nephews help is in no shortage. It is an immense amount of work to coordinate all these people and to communicate to them what needs to be done. They don't all tweet or use facebook or reliably read email, but we think they would go to a website if instructed. Meal Train seems to be good for signing up for meals, but we need a lot more things to be done than just cooking.

We took a look at the Caring Bridge, but couldn't find the functionality to assign tasks, although it's good for updating people with her treatment. And doing a Google calendar would be too much for some of my less-than-tech-savvy family members to comprehend. We need something everyone can look at and see that Aunt Kim is bringing over Swiss Steak on Tuesday, that Aunt Jen needs a ride to the airport on Wednesday, and that Cousin Mallory will be taking my sick aunt to the hospital every day but Friday next week. It has to be a website that multiple people can access remotely since we have family from Utah to Virginia all helping my aunt in Chicago.

Does anyone have any suggestions or have you used a site that allowed people to sign up for tasks? Has anyone ever used CareCalendar or Lotsa Helping Hands; did it work well for you? What worked for you?

Opening Your Links in a New Tab/Window

2011-12-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate clicking on links on a blog post and going to a new website only to find it annoying to get back to the original website so you don't go back? Did you know there is an easy bit of code you can put in the links you link from your blog to prevent this annoyance to your readers? Well, there is! I try to do it for all the links I put in my posts, I'm sure there is one or two that I've missed. Hopefully, you all appreciate my diligence, people. I do it for you.

Okay, here are the instructions:
Do your link however you like/normally to do it.
Just after the " that follows the website you're linking to add this text:

target="_blank"
Here's an example, but I added some spaces to the code so it would actually show up like I wanted, so if you want to cut and paste you'll have to delete out my extra spaces.

Oh, you are so welcome. :)

< a href="http://www.annoyed-army-wife.com/"target="_blank">Hyperlinked Text< / a >

How Do People Stand It?!

2011-12-13T09:43:00.005-07:00

Most of my Christmas shopping is done, thankfully. I didn't exactly wait until the last minute, but I had better things to do which involved laying on my back getting stabbed with needles and taking drugs, you know things like that. Yesterday I was shopping for my brother, who takes after my dad. They both are hard to buy for. If they want something, they buy it. If they haven't bought it for themselves, then I sure as hell can't afford it either. I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas and he sent me this:
I want a sweet vest like this one:

sourceAre you kidding me? I went to the Sundance outlet store and found no vests sweet enough for my brother. I also drove out to a few smaller, local shops that John Denver may have shopped at and no luck there. Then, as a last resort I drove to the mall and headed straight for Eddie. I found this vest (in all green) hidden in the clearance rack and got it for a steal. I'm not sure it's exactly what my brother wants, but I got a gift receipt, too.

A few months ago my brother signed me up for a catalog that people who are preparing for the end of the world get. It's a catalog filled with food for food storage (it lasts 30 years and comes in buckets - yum) and a bunch of other weird survival stuff (like iodine tablets in case of a nuclear disaster). And he put the catalog in my nickname that only my family is allowed to call me since they put up with me my whole life. Well, funny enough the catalog has a store here, so I went to the survival store and bought my brother some crazy survival stuff that I put in the pockets of his jacket, including a saw that folds up and saws through bone - very handy, I guess. For the record, if the end of the world is coming I really hope I go in the first wave; I don't want the hassle of fighting off zombies or something like that. Sorry, Stephanie, you can fight off zombies in my memory if you wish.

Plus, have you people been to a mall recently? Talk about being attacked by zombies. I normally shop in little local stores since I just like them more even if I pay a bit more for my stuff. And an extra thirty cents isn't going to kill me, but my bucks might help the small business I'm shopping at. I know it's kind of annoying since my far away family can't really return stuff, but that's what regifting is for. Anyway, when did malls turn into such a crazy place to shop? Those people at the carts in the middle of the mallway should be leashed or muzzled - they are aggressive. If I want your damn sea salt hand cream I'll ask you for some, get away from me! And I'm completely happy with my cell phone service. No, I would not like another piercing for a free pair of earrings. Don't they know if I avoid eye contact I don't want to talk to them? Hello, number one rule of human interaction.

How's your shopping going? I hope you're all almost done (I still have to buy for OccDoc, so don't feel bad if you're not)! And if not done shopping and plan to finish up at the mall, I hope you like crazy people trying to smear hand cream on you as you walk by.

Energy Inefficient

2011-12-12T08:08:00.004-07:00

Our house blows when it comes to saving energy. It's a rental so we don't care too much about the cheap materials and shoddy labor used to construct it, but we do care about being cold. We try to trim the cable, electricity, and phone bills, but we never ever turn down the thermostat to save money - it's just not worth the suffering to us. OccDoc and I are both babies when it comes to being cold. We fight over the warm, cozy blanket in the couch. It's big enough for one person, not two. We have flannel sheets on our bed year round, we just put thicker sheets on for winter. We have two giant blankets and a quilt on the bed; we take the quilt off in summer. We secretly try to coerce the dogs into snuggling with us on the couch even if they smell or are being annoying, just because they're warm.

We have noticed when watching TV our windows are drafty. Like cold ass air blows on your head. And actually moves your hair. This weekend enough was enough. We got those shrink wrap window cover things and covered all 6 windows (we left the window over the sink uncovered since it's always sunny on that side of the house) and we covered our useless sliding glass door. We've used it twice since we moved here in May, so no skin off our noses if we can't use it all winter. OccDoc even bought some gap filler to fill in the giant holes by the ground floor bathroom's pipes.

Last night there was a noticeable improvement. We watched TV and talked without blankets covering every square inch of our bodies. Then we went to bed. This morning we were freezing again. WTF?! After OccDoc went to work I noticed the furnace wasn't on and it was 67* in our house (see, told you we are babies). Our cutoff is 72*. I called OccDoc to tell him that's why we were so cold when we woke up. He said he would call maintenance and I got all upset because I'm going Christmas shopping today and don't have all day to sit around for the furnace guy. So I manned up and reset the furnace myself. We've only ever had really old furnaces, so it's annoying to relight the pilot and do all that bullshit to prevent blowing up the house or burning off your eyelashes, but this house has a new furnace. Resetting it was as simple as prying the cover off, flipping a few switches, wasting time reading blogs on my phone, smelling to make sure there isn't a gas leak, flipping the switches back, and leaning the cover against the furnace because I think I broke it when I pried it off. And all before 8 AM - I deserve a nap for all my hard work.

I think I'm going to make some of those little snake things you put by the door to seal drafts for our final energy boosting tactic. This is our only winter here, so we don't want to go to the trouble of replacing all the weather stripping on the bottom of the doors. I think the shrink wrap window covers will really make a difference, we've always had good luck with them in our other houses/apartments. Anyone ever use those? Have you noticed a difference? Any other energy saving suggestions that are super cheap? And super easy?

Christmas Quiz

2011-12-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

I am sick to death of blogging about this IVF thing (or my 'little project' as my mom calls it) and I'm too brain dead to think of something clever and witty to blog about, so I'm doing the Christmas Quiz/Questionnaire/Survey/Assessment/Whatever. I have seen this on no less than 3 blogs, three of some of my favorite blogs, I might add: Janey at A Few of My Favorite Things, Erika at chambanachik, and Mrs. Wookie at Wookie & Co. Feel free to use this if you are experiencing blogger's block.

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? All year long I think I like Eggnog Lattes and get so excited when they are finally back, but every year I'm reminded that they are gross. I should make a note of this for next year. I like hot cocoa, but only made with milk. I think it's disgusting to put chocolate in water, although I have been known to pour a packet of hot cocoa mix into my coffee.

Colored lights on tree/house or white? OccDoc knows if he brings colored (or flashing/blinking) lights into the house then I have grounds for divorce. My mom never liked colored lights, so I was raised with the notion white lights are the only appropriate lights for Christmas. Whatever, we all have weird family quirks. I actually really like colored lights in outdoor displays (on other people's houses).

Do you hang mistletoe? No because it would probably fall down and the dogs or rabbits would eat it. We can't afford extra vet bills at this time of the year. Yes, mistletoe is poisonous to dogs and rabbits. All the fake mistletoe(s) I ever seen looks really cheap, so I have yet to get one/any.

When do you put your decorations up? The weekend after Thanksgiving or not at all. Yeah, all or nothing with me. This year we did all; last year I did nothing since OccDoc was deployed.

What is your favorite holiday dish? My grandma makes these bar things with Cheerios and massive amounts of sugar and butter that I can't get enough of. I should probably get the recipe as I'm probably old enough to make my own now.

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? My mom, brother, and I would go to church Christmas Eve while Dad stayed home to 'take a shower'. He never went to church with us, so this wasn't weird. The weird part - his 'shower' always lasted from when we left for church until when we got back. And Santa came when Dad was in the shower, and he didn't hear a thing because of the water. Actually, the weird part is my brother and I were dumb enough to fall for this for YEARS.

When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no memory of learning the truth, but I found out about Santa and the Easter Bunny at the same time some time in grade school. I did, however, believe in the Tooth Fairy well into junior high.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Hell yeah. We had Christmas on Christmas Eve growing up in my parents' house, so Christmas Day could be spent shuttling between grandparents' houses. It took OccDoc awhile to catch on to opening presents on Christmas Eve, but I think he's coming around. This year I don't care what he does, I still plan on opening everything Christmas Eve. He can have his own Christmas if he doesn't want to do that.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Um, we put lights and ornaments on it.

Snow! Love it or Dread it? Can't have winter without it. The year we moved away from Chicago it was a particularly terrible winter, and I had spent hours scraping my windows off and digging my damn car out of my street parking those long, cold months of winter. I swore I never wanted to see snow again. And the army sent us to San Antonio that summer. By Thanksgiving I was hysterical because we weren't going to have snow. So, yeah, bring it. I've got my snow shovel ready.

Do you remember your favorite gift? My parents let my brother give me a baby bunny for Christmas when I was 11. Still the best gift ever. I do not think it's a good idea to give animals as gifts to kids, but, whatever, I was responsible bunny-owner back then (and still am). The bunny's name was Cinnamon and she was a gorgeous siamese gray Holland lop. Sweetest rabbit I've ever had (including the two long-eared, Christmas tree obsessed knuckleheads that live with me now).

What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? I've never met a dessert I didn't like, unless it has peppermint in it. That's disgusting.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Having Chicago-style pizza airmailed to us from Chicago when we spend Christmas alone and don't travel to see family.

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum? Peppermint is disgusting and makes me sneeze. But, candy canes that are not peppermint-flavored are okay by me.

Favorite Christmas movie? I remember watching Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey when I was 7 and thinking it was my favorite. I may need to rewatch it to ensure that still stands.

Saddest Christmas Song? Too many years working retail have made me hate Christmas music, so I can't answer this question since I tune out Christmas tunes.

What is your favorite Christmas song? I like the carols we sing at church. My most favorite song is Silent Night.

Okay, after rereading my answers I realize I sound like a grinch. Eh, that's fine. I like Christmas. I just like it my way. How about you? Are you very specific in how you want to celebrate holidays?

Change of Plans

2011-12-08T06:00:00.002-07:00

Last night OccDoc was supposed to be on call on post, so he wasn't going to come home. Most nights and weekends he's usually home, so I don't really care if he needs to be gone overnight every now and then. Of course I make a big deal of it to his face, but I don't really care. In fact I kind of look forward to it. Girly movies, not sharing my food, not sharing the laptop, not sharing the warm, fuzzy blanket, sitting in the recliner by myself because the dogs can spread out on the couch (yes, 2 Chihuahuas take up our entire couch) and lounging in my jammies without worrying about doing dishes or crap like that. So, yesterday I was on the couch eating ice cream before dinner...actually for dinner and OccDoc called with good news. He gets to come home and doesn't need to stay overnight.

yay.

I told him not to judge me as I licked my ice cream spoon. And I told him to stop by the grocery store to buy himself some dinner since I already ate mine. Oops. Now obviously I was happy to have a warm body next to me while I slept, but I might encourage OccDoc to volunteer for overnight call next week...

Yup, I'm bad. Don't care. But don't get me wrong, people, I don't want OccDoc deployed again or sent to some stupid ass army class for a few weeks or back in residency when he was gone every 3 to 5 nights, but a night alone here and there does a wife good.

Oops

2011-12-07T06:00:00.001-07:00

I forgot the number one rule of IVF: things can change for the good or bad without a moment's notice. Therefore, I let myself get stupidly upset over not having any definite embryos to freeze at the time of my transfer. Just before my transfer my doctor gave 2 of my embryos a 50-50 shot to make it to freeze, but we had to wait until yesterday (they grow the embryos out until Day 6) to see if any made it to freeze. He said the embryologist would call in the late afternoon yesterday to tell me. They like the embryos to be blastocysts before freezing them for a lot of reasons I don't feel like typing out right now.

The embryologist called yesterday while I was at work just after noon. Um, that's not late afternoon, but let's not split hairs. It was a good call. We had 3 embryos that were expanded blastocysts just starting to hatch that were frozen yesterday. I wanted to cry because I was so happy, but I was at front desk desk yesterday. You probably don't want to see the receptionist crying when you come in for a massage. So, I refrained from crying.

I know I should be very happy about the transfer on Monday and that fact I had a transfer, which I am, don't get me wrong. But one of the really big reasons we wanted to do full stim IVF was to get a few embryos to freeze. And we decided that we weren't going through IVF again. We were really hoping to have a few to freeze, so we could at least do a few frozen embryo transfers in the spring if this cycle doesn't work out. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders (I kind of wish some weight would lift off my ass and thighs, but you can't have every thing I guess). Okay, I'm feeling better about this whole thing.

Waiting is the Hardest Part?

2011-12-06T09:11:00.003-07:00

Hardly. Maybe if I was trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way and didn't know any better. I'm not sure what the hardest part of IVF #2 was. Perhaps writing the check for 10k and doling out my credit card number for the pharmacy knowing they would put a few grand on it all for a chance to get pregnant. Or maybe having my husband give me 4 weeks worth of shots so he could feel involved. Or the side effects from ever increasing doses of FSH nightly. Or the bloating, constipation, and pain after the egg retrieval that was so bad that I woke myself up from a nap because I was crying when trying to turn over in bed. Or having my doctor tell me we might not have anything to freeze ten minutes before my transfer. Or it could be a whole host of other things, but all I can say is the worst is behind me. Waiting is not the worst part of this IVF cycle for me.

I have no problem with waiting (except for waiting in line for ice cream). I have spent so much time in the last few years waiting on pretty much everything...waiting to find how long OccDoc's deployment would last, waiting for OccDoc to get home from deployment, waiting for countless phone calls and/or emails to ensure my husband's safety and well being, waiting to see where we're moving next, waiting to see if I can find a job at the 'next' duty station, waiting to see what kind of house/apartment/cardboard box we'll be living in, waiting for my husband to come home for dinner only to find out he's saving a life again (that excuse is getting old) and so on and so on. I'm pretty adept at waiting.

I know at this point there's nothing I can really do to change the outcome of this IVF cycle. Well, short of running a marathon (um, no thank you), competing in a strong man/woman competition (dang, I'll have to cancel my registration for next week), taking illicit drugs (although I hear pregnancy rates for crack whores are astronomical), or falling down (er, we may have a problem with this one). It doesn't matter how much I hope, pray, worry or binge drink (wait, that one might have been on the no-no list) - that stuff has absolutely no baring on the outcome, so I choose to be indifferent.

Come on, I've got enough shit to do right not without having to spend all my time worrying and fretting over something I have no control over. If you have nothing better to do and want to fret and worry for me then be my guest. I resolve to focus on Christmas shopping and thinking of thoughtful, local gifts for my family and to have them all mailed before the beta (pregnancy blood test).

Some of you may wonder how I can have this attitude of 'what is, is and what will be, will be'. It didn't happen by accident. There were a bunch of factors. One being the amount of disappointment I've experienced in the past couple of years due to infertility. Another would be the army beating any hopes and dreams out of my husband and me. And, finally, a couple years of meditation practice. I would recommend trying meditation over the other two options if you are in need of an attitude adjustment.

Transfer Talk

2011-12-05T16:24:00.004-07:00

The transfer happened (expanded blastocyst just starting to hatch) this morning. I wouldn't say this transfer went perfectly, but it was better than last time. Last time there was a couple in the next bed/curtain area in the procedure room for a D & C after a miscarriage and we had to listen to the husband cry while his wife was having the procedure. Not super uplifting or hopeful; I wanted to give them my embryo I felt so terrible for them. But today was a much more positive experience. Today I had the run of the place. I had my pre-transfer acupuncture session then my doctor came in with the report on the embryos.

The report wasn't as great as we hoped, but we had the transfer so that's what counts. Tomorrow the embryologist will call to let me know if we have embryos to freeze and if so how many. The transfer was much more painful this time (the full bladder was not helping the situation) than it was last time, not sure why, but it's over now. After the transfer I had my post acupuncture treatment. Now I'm loafing on the couch watching movies, but I cannot wait to get back to work tomorrow. I'm not on bedrest, but I've been told to take it easy - working a few hours in the massage studio answering phones is pretty easy, plus I might be able to squeeze a free massage in if I'm lucky.

Since I tried to be hopeful and positive this whole cycle and all it got me was a less than stellar embryo/blast report today I'm going back to my old defensive pessimist ways. I know our chances are fairly decent (and way better than with IVF #1), but I can't help but be bummed we have less than expected/desired to freeze. I should find out yes or no in 12 days or sooner if my period shows up early like last time. Until then I need to get my ass in gear and start working on Christmas stuff!

Transfer Tomorrow

2011-12-04T10:20:00.002-07:00

Today is the first day where I've actually felt decent; I still feel like I was in a really nasty bar fight (and lost) but I'll spend some time away from the couch today. I am so happy that I am improving because now we aren't so worried about hyperstimulation. And, of course, I'm happy I got the call with our Day 3 embryo report yesterday. Things are going way better than I anticipated. The clinic only gives reports every other day, which is fine with me, so the next update we'll get is right before the transfer.

The embryos are graded excellent, good, fair, and poor on Day Three at the clinic. There's also a plus or minus system with the gradings. The nurse called and started rattling off the whole list of all the embryos - I'll spare you the boring details. But in a nutshell here's how things look:

- 11 embryos rated as 'good' that are between 8 and 12 cells
- 3 embryos rated as 'good minus' that are 9 or 10 cells
- 5 embryos rated as 'fair' that are 8 cells or less
- And 1 sad little 1 celled 'poor' embryo

Who knows what we'll walk into on Monday, but I am confident we'll have the transfer with some embryos leftover for the freezer. Most likely we'll have some blastocysts on Monday; a 'blast' is another stage of development when the cells in the embryos start differentiating. It's a good thing and we're happy to be progressing like we are. Thank you all for your good thoughts and vibes.

Fert Report In

2011-12-01T11:10:00.003-07:00

My mom called this morning and we gabbed for about an hour then were interrupted. My clinic was calling. I considered letting it go to voicemail since I was concerned they would tell me there was some horrible mistake and, plus, me and my mom were gabbing - you don't interrupt that. But I picked up. The nurse confirmed the number of eggs retrieved, 25, then reconfirmed it when I asked if she was sure. I still can't believe that number, but the next numbers were equally as unbelievable.

OccDoc and I took bets over how many eggs were mature and how many actually fertilized this morning while he got ready for work. Generally, not all eggs retrieved are mature and usually they don't all fertilized, which was true in my case. Both OccDoc and I were way under in our guesses. Here are the numbers:

Of the 25 eggs retrieved, 23 were mature. Holy shit!
Of the 23 mature eggs, 20 fertilized. Yes, 20 fertilized normally.

I'm in shock. I'm so happy and for the first time in this whole infertility nightmare I'm actually hopeful. I think this might actually work out. Again, if I wasn't in so much pain and bloated I'd be ecstatic and jumping around. Right now I'm thinking about my pain medicine and a nap. Then maybe I'll jump around for a bit. Maybe not.

I absolutely can't believe these numbers and neither can OccDoc! I'll get a call on Saturday to let me know how everything looks for our 5 day transfer. I don't know if it's being overconfident, but I'm not even concerned about that call - I know we'll at least have something to transfer. Monday can't get here soon enough!

25

2011-11-30T16:15:00.002-07:00

So, this egg retrieval went slightly better than last time when we got 2. Yeah, that was sarcastic; if I wasn't on so many drugs to mellow me out I would absolutely ecstatic with 25 eggs. I'm kind of in shock by this number. My doctor was hoping to get around 16. I'm not sure what happened, but I don't really care. He was probably lowballing me to help mitigate any disappointment.

Tomorrow the nurse will call to tell me how many eggs are mature and how many fertilized, and, most importantly how many are starting to grow. Until then I'm going to pretend my midsection doesn't feel like I've been kicked by a donkey and go back to bed. Thanks for everyone's good vibes, apparently it worked.

Ready for Christmas

2011-11-29T09:50:00.003-07:00

By now my regular followers know I suck at taking photos, so now you know that, too, new readers. It's been a family tradition (of my family) to put the tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Part of the fun of being just the two of us is that we can do the family traditions we like and leave out the ones we don't. We put up our tree. OccDoc pulled it down from its shelf in the garage (it's a fake tree), and I organized the different lengths of branches. During our first Christmas together we discussed real trees and fake trees; my family always had fake trees, and OccDoc's family has had a mixture. For us a fake tree is the best decision. Anyway, we then moved around the furniture and discovered our tree looked stupid everywhere, so we picked the least annoying spot to put it. Right next to the front door; that might be in the way of the pizza and UPS guy, but we don't use that door much.

About 8 years ago I got my tree (after Christmas) and a bunch of lights. I got strands of 100 lights for a dollar each from a hardware store that was going out of business. I bought 20 strands. My collection has slowly dwindled over the years; OccDoc and I have agreed to replaced the old lights with LED lights slowly. We had enough lights to follow my Christmas tree decorating rule: 150 lights per foot; it's an 8 foot tree. About halfway through the tree decorating/assembling my cousin (who was the best woman in our wedding) called; her mom (my mom's older sister - 3 years older) was recently diagnosed with a terminal cancer and has a year or two left. Her diagnosis has been a huge blow for the family; the only reason I didn't drop everything and go home is that my mom told me not to interrupt 'my little project'. Yeah, that's what she calls the IVF cycle. My cousin's kids were sleeping so we actually got to talk for a decent amount of time without being interrupted. While we talked and problem solved OccDoc continued with the tree, but I returned in time to put the ornaments up. Here are a few them:

A coworker gave me this ornament when we lived in Texas; it's cute so I don't smash it to bits.
Who won't want a moth ornament?
I have 4 giant, shiny ball ornaments from I can't remember where. I love putting these up every year.
OccDoc gave me this ornament for our first Christmas together. Awww.
Most of the other decorations are in the living room, but I haven't decided on final locations yet. I figure I'll have plenty of couch time over the next few days to figure out where I want to put things. When do you put up your tree?

Trigger Tonight

2011-11-28T13:01:00.003-07:00

This morning I got the go ahead from my doctor to do my trigger shot tonight. Well, for OccDoc to do the trigger shot; I pretty much just get to swab myself with alcohol (and whine). I know, I know I have the life; try not to be jealous. Anyway, the trigger shot puts the finishing touches on the eggs so they can be sucked out of my ovaries with a giant needle while I have a drug-induced nap. Fun times.

I've been taking all the news this cycle with a grain of salt because IVF is so finicky that things can change without so much as a moment's notice. My doctor gave me a prescription for some Ovarian Hyperstimulation prevention/treatment drug that I'm supposed to fill just in case I need it. He said it's kind of a toss up if I will need it. Okay, cool. He also thinks he'll be able to retrieve about 20 eggs. Okay, cool. I'm of the 'I'll believe it when I see it' mindset, not totally pessimistic, but anything can happen.

In a nutshell, things look good, but the fat lady has yet to sing, so don't get your panties in a bunch while putting all my eggs in one basket. Or something like that. Tomorrow is my day off from needles and seeing my doctor, so I'll be posting some photos of our Christmas tree we, um, er, OccDoc put up yesterday.

Moving Along

2011-11-26T12:01:00.004-07:00

Thanksgiving went very well in our household, minus the turkey roaster (cheap) pan springing a leak. I guess I have something else to add to my Christmas list this year, anyway the leak was repaired with tin foil and the turkey went on to become one of the juiciest, tastiest turkeys we've had. All of the sides turned out delicious, and I believe the wild rice stuffing recipe has made it into the permanent rotation (along with the chestnut soup). Yay! I think the green bean casserole needs some tweaking for next year to make the first serving just as good as the leftovers.

On Friday we stopped off to get a Nook for my mom on the way to the doctor's office. We got a good count of eggs and my estradiol, e2, continues to rise. On last Friday it was 47.5, Monday 89, Wednesday 337, and Friday it came in just under 1000 (992). Today it shot up 600 points to 1592. I guess the ovaries decided to kick it into high gear and are busy cooking up some eggs while I cooked up the turkey.

My headaches aren't as bad as they were midweek, but I still feel sick most of the day. And the bloated, shitty/eggy feeling in my lower abdomen just makes me uncomfortable (which turns to pain for a few hours after being poked in the doctor's office); today I ventured out to the doctor's office in scrub pants because it was too cold for a dress (tights would have been too tight) and jeans were out of the question. We'll be back at the doctor's office tomorrow morning for another appointment; what am i going to wear?! We should find out tomorrow if we trigger tomorrow night or Monday (or Tuesday). So, there's the latest news.

My right ovary has decided to wake up and might actually contribute to the egg retrieval. I am so looking forward to the egg retrieval, and not for the reasons you might assume like getting rid of this bloated feeling or just finally knowing how many eggs we got or some other perfectly rational reason. Nope, none of those, I can't wait because the nurse anesthetist is awesome and I can't wait for another painless, dreamless nap. Happy weekend, people!

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T05:00:00.001-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I am so thankful to have found so many wonderful people out here in the blogworld. I hope you all enjoy your day!

Here's what's on our menu today (don't worry you can click the links - they all open a new tab/window):

Chestnut Soup (with real chestnuts instead of the jarred kind)

Cider-Brined Turkey with Star Anise and Cinnamon

Green Beans with Cremini Mushroom Sauce

Mashed Potatoes with Crème Fraîche and Chives

Wild Rice, Fruit, and Pecan Stuffing

A pumpkin pie crisp thing

I hope everything you cook/bake today turns out perfectly for you and yours. Enjoy!

Day 5 Check

2011-11-23T12:13:00.003-07:00

Another doctor's appointment today to draw blood and do the first real ultrasound of this IVF cycle brought news. Not good news or bad news just news that things are progressing. I'm still on a pretty high dose of FSH and HCG (well, high low dose, that is) and we're stopping the Lupron (thank you, baby Jesus). I'm curious to see how that changes my side effects which at this point since we dropped the Lupron in half a few days ago are just blinding headaches and day long nausea. I'm not entirely sure the meds are to blame for the nausea, it could be my cookie addiction in play here. The Lupron was making me feel like the worst day of my period...for the last 2 weeks - the bloating, cramping, mild headaches, crying, and all day snacking were starting to wear on me, so I'm glad I can stop that nonsense.

As for the preliminary count of follicles (the things on your ovaries that each {may} contain an egg) we started off on the right side. A recap from last time - righty had no follicles. Lazy bitch. This cycle she's managed to eek out 2 measly follicles. Lazy bitch. I was semi-worried, but I had faith in the over achieving lefty. Last time she hosted the winning mature egg as well as one loser immature egg. This time there are between 13 - 15 follicles. It's so early I don't really give a shit about measurements because pretty much anything could happen between now and retrieval. So, that's it. News.

I plan on taking my bloated ass for a walk today and then starting on preparations for our little Thanksgiving meal. I went to the wine store after my appointment, probably not the best economical decision I've made, and bought 5 bottles of wine for Thanksgiving. Um, yeah, 5 bottles may be a little much for OccDoc and I to tackle by ourselves, but wine makes the best leftovers.

Slowly Rising

2011-11-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

One of the things that is tracked during the stim phase of an IVF cycle is your estradiol levels (E2). They do this by taking your blood. So, Friday my level was at 47.5 and after 2 days of stims it's at 89.7. It's slowly rising, but not fast enough for my doctor so we're bumping up the meds tonight.

On Wednesday I'll go in for more bloodwork to see if the E2 level is on track and we'll get a peak at the follicles that are growing. I'm sure on Wednesday the levels will have risen too fast and we'll need to back off on the meds because that seems to be how these things work.

We're still super early in the stim phase, so I'm not concerned about anything even if my doctor is. It's not my job to worry; that's what I paid my doctor thousands of dollars to do. Oh wait, that money might not been for him to worry maybe it was for him to get me pregnant. Either way I'm not the one who needs to worry right now. I'm just going to keep eating cookies and claiming my fertility drugs made me do it.

In 9 Months Time

2011-11-21T07:28:00.003-07:00

Everything went well on Friday, and I got the go ahead to start the stimulation injections a couple days ago on Saturday. Today I head back to the clinic for some blood work and get further instructions on how to proceed. I think my clinic does a really great job at idiot-proofing this whole process. The instructions sheets they send us home with are very explicit and through. I'm sure OccDoc thinks it's overkill because he's so smart, but it's nice to be able to double check him with the very explicit instruction sheet.

I've been day dreaming a lot about what will happen in 9 months. Yeah, this IVF cycle is barely off the ground, so those day dreams don't include a small human yet. I don't want to get the cart before the horse here, people. But those day dreams do include OccDoc and me. Specifically they include OccDoc getting ready for work. He puts on a pair of khaki pants and a blue or white button shirt. Then he stands there and asks, 'What color tie should I wear today?'

That's right it's getting close and we can't wait until OccDoc is done with his contract. I know a lot of people say glowing things about the army and how it's made them stronger and bullshit like that, but I'm not going to waste my breath blowing smoke up the army's ass. Am I a bad person because I don't just relish all the sacrificing my husband and I have done for the army? Yeah, probably, but I don't really care. We have both sacrificed a lot; true we knew partially what we were getting into. Partially because no one could predict the shit storm the army would rain down on OccDoc due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It hasn't all been bad, but most of what the army had control over was bad, we just made the best of it. I've given it a lot of thought and the only thing I'll miss is the free gym membership.

I'm not exactly sure where we'll be in 9 months time, but we'll be able to decide. Whether OccDoc decides to do another residency and is preparing for that or if he's going to a job where he actually sees patients instead of whatever paperwork the army wants him to fill out or if he's an army civilian doctor and treated like a prince while the military doctors are still getting kicked around remains to be seen. The countdown continues...

Suppression Check

2011-11-18T07:41:00.002-07:00

So begins the next two weeks of IVF related posts, my apologies. Maybe I'll throw in a rant about how irresponsible people are with their pets if you're lucky, but the next two weeks are going to be rather dominated by my 'little project' as my mom calls it.

Today we go in to see if my ovaries are suppressed after the last few weeks of birth control pills and two weeks of lupron injections. We want all the follicles at the starting line at the same time, no head starts! If everything looks good we'll start stims tomorrow and decrease the lupron.

After the appointment we're headed off to pick up a turkey for Thanksgiving. OccDoc and I are doing Thanksgiving alone this year. So many people have invited us over to celebrate with their families, but I'm going to be right in the middle of stims (and probably uncomfortable) and I've been so effing emotional the last few weeks if someone asks if we have kids I probably will break down. Plus, it's just not the same to hang out with someone else's extended family when you can't be with your own. I have a doctor's appt Wednesday and Friday next week, so traveling to see our families isn't really feasible since it would involve a plane ride, pet boarding, and all the other annoying things associated with travel. We'll be spending our Thanksgiving alone, well, the Chihuahuas and rabbits will be there, no other humans. But we kind of like our little Thanksgiving meals because I get a chance to try out new recipes and we get to hog our old favorites (like chestnut soup). The other reason we may or may not have scheduled our IVF cycle like this was to avoid going to see OccDoc's family. I really don't think I would be able to handle his mother and her aura of stress and anxiety in my hormone-injection-altered form.

Anyone else purposely avoid Thanksgiving plans by starting an IVF cycle?

Cruise Expereinces

2011-11-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

This 3 day cruise to the Bahamas was my first experience 'cruising' - a little chance to pop my cruising cherry. The only thing I knew about cruises was the food is good and you will end up spending way more money on drinks than you ever dreamed possible. Here are some tidbits I picked up:

Food: OccDoc and I are foodies, okay, fine, we're gluttons. We ate dinner in the main dining rooms and it was delicious. Not the best food we've ever had, but definitely food that we'd like to eat again. I'm not a buffet person, but that was pretty much the only choice for lunches. The lunch buffet was a buffet. Also delicious, but a buffet. I was very surprised by the just right food portions we were served. Obviously you eat as much as you want at the buffet, but at the sit down restaurants we didn't get a ton of food, but it was plenty for us.

Freezing Your Ass Off: Going on a cruise to a warm climate is like being in Texas in the summertime. Every where you go on the boat the flippin' A/C is cranked. So, here's a tip: Bring a sweater. Unfortunately, there was a cold front blowing in during our cruise, so it was down right chilly at the pool. Bummer, but that didn't stop us from covering up with our towels and reading poolside while drinking tropical drinks.

Seasickness: My grandparents went on a cruise through the Panama Canal. It was like a 3 week cruise. My grandma complained about the seasickness a lot. I asked if she liked any of the ports. She said she was too sick to get off the boat (which was causing the seasickness). Oh, I love my funny family. The first night/day of our cruise it was CHOPPY. We needed to hang onto the handrails in order to walk straight. That whole first night I was thinking, 'Why the hell do people like cruises? This SUCKS!' Then the water calmed down and it got much easier to walk in a straight line (when sober). I did wear some acupuncture wrist bands in the room and took a non-drowsy motion sickness pill that knocked me out one night. Stock up on seasickness medicine before you go (thanks for the tip, OccDoc).

The Room: On our cruise all the balconies and suites were sold out, so we got a window/oceanview room. I am so glad we didn't pay extra for a bigger room. Our room was very small, but seriously what are you doing in the room that you need that much room? Cartwheels? If we go on another cruise we'll be getting an oceanview room again and won't spring for a balcony room (we'll save money for the bar bill).

Alcohol: The drinks are yummy. And were strong. Okay, maybe not super strong, but I live in a semi-dry state so everything is strong to me. Oh, and yeah, just like when you go out to a bar with friends you never think you're drinking as much as you actually drank until the bill comes. And the bill comes at the very end of the cruise. For the whole cruise. Almost all of our charges were for alcoholic beverages. That bill made me laugh. That uncomfortable laugh. Then I ordered another daiquiri and got over it.

Taking Drugs: I was very nervous to take drugs while on the cruise, but then I remembered we were in international waters and I couldn't be arrested. Ha ha! Just kidding. I was slightly nervous about keeping my lupron (IVF meds) chilled, but we had a little fridge in the room. The first night OccDoc had to give me my injection when the boat was rocking like crazy, so it was a bit unnerving seeing OccDoc coming at me with a needle while stabilizing himself by hanging onto the wall. OccDoc could totally be a navy doctor because he managed to do a fine job giving me a pain-free injection while riding the rough seas.

Shore Excursions: Yeah, I've got nothing. We were too busy drinking to actually do any of the shore excursions.

Spa: Overpriced, but I have a very skewed point of view on that. OccDoc got a massage just to see what it was like on a cruise. You know what it was like? A massage he can get at home from his wife for free, but instead he paid $175 for it. My manicure was pretty awesome, however.

My final verdict is that the cruise was a very pleasant experience. I think we will be enjoying another cruise sometime down the road. We won't visit the spa, except for the free steamroom and sauna. We might try to temper our drinking. I got a stomachache from too many sugary tropical drinks; I'll just stick to wine with dinner and a martini or two in a quiet bar. I don't know if we'll do a shore excursion in the future, but our cruise ship switched itineraries while we were on the ocean, so it would have been really hard to change plans if I made reservations with a tour that wasn't affiliated with the cruise line. In the future I will bring my black wrap to keep warm in the A/C. I might bring a fleece blanket in case it's chilly poolside. I had goosebumps while sunbathing, but interestingly enough you can get a tan even if you have goosebumps. Also, one thing that took me kind of by surprise is how freaking loud some drunk people are. Some of the restaurants and bars sounded like collegetown bars on Friday nights. I guess I'm too old to get that shitfaced and be loud and rude. Whatever, I'm over it. So, yeah, that's my two cents on cruise vacations; it was a nice break from regular life that required very little research and planning.

Cruise Photos

2011-11-16T05:00:00.001-07:00

Here are the five photos from our cruise I promised. The first photo is out the window of our hotel; we checked in really late and got upgraded to the oceanview instead of the cheap-o cityview we booked.

The drinking extravaganza begins. I had every intention of taking a photo of every alcoholic beverage we imbibed, but then we started drinking and I forgot. I have been living in a semi-dry state for too damn long. Those cruise bartenders know how to mix a drink! Please note if you look closely you will not see the ocean in the background; you will see the seaport. Yeah, I had two drinks before we even left.

OMG! It's our towel bunny! Our stateroom steward saw that I was reading a book about rabbits (yes, I am that lame) and made me a towel bunny. That bunny was about 1,000 times better behaved than Dennis. So quiet and clean. And less furry.

We were supposed to stop at Great Stirrup Cay the first day and Nassau, Bahamas the next day, but the weather was really craptastic so they switched it around. This was OccDoc in Nassau (yes, that's the boat). Yeah, so Nassau, not my idea of a good time. It kind of reminded me of a border town in Mexico, well, a border town a few years ago before you had to worry about being kidnapped. We didn't get off the boat at Great Stirrup Cay. You had to take a smaller boat to the island and the water was choppy and it was windy and cold. We didn't really want to freeze our asses off on the beach after riding on a bumpy boatride when we could just sit by the pool and freeze our asses off on the not-so-bumpy cruise ship. Plus, I don't really like getting sand on my stuff. I know that's a really dumb reason, but it's the truth.
This is the last night of the cruise. It's a bummer you can't see how awesome my hair (which I airdried) looked. At home my hair is stick straight, which works well. I know, I know so many people would kill for stick straight hair, but you always want what you don't have. Anyway, in the beautiful humidity my hair developed some lovely waves and large bouncy curls. Yes, that's right, I love humidity. Love it. I love how my hair looks with humidity. I love how it doesn't feel like my skin is ripping off my body in humidity. I love that my cuticles feel like real skin instead of paper in humidity.

There you have it; the five photos we took while on vacation. Okay, so we took like 9 photos. What? We didn't have a ton of time to be running around snapping photos, there were way too many drinks that needed to be finished! And this was my first cruise, so now I'm an expert and will share some cruise tips with you tomorrow. :)

We're Back

2011-11-15T09:54:00.003-07:00

Back to the grind as they say. The cruise was a really fun way to spend the last few days, but now I'm back on land and at work. I feel refreshed (yet bloated). I will provide a recap tomorrow (because they're actually expecting me to work at work today - can you believe that crap?!). The recap will include about 5 photos since I/we didn't end up taking a whole bunch of photos. We went to relax, not to go on a photo safari. Plus, how many photos of us lounging on deck chairs do you really want to see?

Unfortunately, I think the lupron I'm on for the IVF cycle is actually making me dizzy. On the boat I thought I was just dizzy from, well, the ocean movement, but I am fairly certain my office is not moving around today. I've been on it 10 days now, and, yup, I believe that's been the source of my dizziness/clumsiness. LOL! It's good to figure these things out.

Papercraft Stars

2011-11-11T06:00:00.002-07:00

My paper balls from yesterday didn't turn out exactly like I wanted, so I decided to try another craft with my antique book/paper. These little papercraft stars are the result; I'm super happy with how they turned out. They were very easy to make, but took awhile to dry in between steps. Here's a little tutorial if you wish to create some.

Items needed:
Pre-cut wood stars (or other shapes) from a craft store
White glue
Paintbrush
An old book to destroy
Glitter
Paint
Hot glue gun
A scrap of felt
String/yarn

I used homemade mod podge for this project. I think it worked really great. And it's simple and cheap, just mix one part white glue and one part water. Stir/shake well.

1. Paint the backs of your stars with the crafting paint. I didn't do this step first, but I think it would be way easier. Let dry.

2. When dry, brush some glue mix on to the unpainted side of the stars. Lay a page ripped from your book on top of the wet star and paint a coat of the glue mix on top. I also ripped up some small pieces of the book to give the star a layered look. Paint some glue mix on top of the layered pieces. Let dry. Please note the photo is of a star with real mod podge on it, but the homemade stuff worked way better for this project. I only did a few stars with the last of my real stuff.

3. After the stars are kind of dry rip the excess paper off. You can use a scissors to trim the paper as well. I liked the look of ripped paper.

4. Once everything is dried and trimmed up you are ready to do the final coat of glue mix. I wanted some glittery stars so I mixed some glitter right into my glue mix. I ended up spilling way too much glitter into my mix, but I guess there really is no such thing as 'too much glitter' to some people. Paint the stars with your glittery glue mix. Obviously do one side at a time waiting for the first side to dry before starting the second side. For my drying rack I used empty vials of IVF meds. They worked out perfectly. If you don't have empty vials from an IVF cycle, I guess you're shit out of luck and you need to think of something different. :)

5. Once dry, put a dot of hot glue on the back of the star, stick a loop of yarn/string on it, and place a small circle of felt over the hot glue to hid the string.

Here's a finished product:

Thank you to all our men and women who have served our country! I'll be toasting you all on my cruise (with lots of booze). Have a happy weekend; I know I will!

Vintage Paper Balls

2011-11-10T06:00:00.002-07:00

A few years ago my Grandma gave me some old books that used to belong to my late Grandpa, who passed away when I was 5. I love these old books, but a few are in pretty bad shape. One of the books was a collection of poems by Robert Burns. While googling how to use vintage papers I ran across this blog post on Flea Market Style. She had a photo of Christmas ornaments wrapped in vintage papers.

I tried to recreate it, and my ornaments didn't quite turn out as beautiful as hers. There were a few problems. The book's pages were very brittle because it was so old and sat in my Grandma's garage in a box for several decades. The pages were also quite thick. I bet if you used a semi-vintage Bible you'd have more luck, but I'm not sure if you go to hell for tearing up the Bible. I figured I'm skating on thin ice enough already that I probably shouldn't destroy a semi-vintage Bible to find out if it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Even though the ornaments aren't perfect they're still good enough to give as gifts to my parents and brother. That way they can enjoy Grandpa's books every Christmas and might overlook the fact I destroyed an antique book. Anyway, here's a tutorial of my vintage paper balls.

Items needed:
Cheap glass ornaments
Vintage paper/book
Glue mix
Glitter, if you wish
Paintbrush

To create a glue mix combine one part water with one part white craft glue. You can fool around with the mix, but that's what worked for me.

1. Tear the book/paper into long strips.
2. Pull the metal topper thing off of your ornaments.
3. Apply a liberal coat of homemade glue to your ornament. Add a strip of paper and smooth it down.

4. Keep adding paper, painting glue on it, and smoothing it down until your ornament is covered. You may need to fold the paper or rip it up a bit more to get the look you want.

5. Reattach the metal thingie and hang the ornament over a trap or junk mail (to catch glue droppings) and wait until they are just tacky. I tried to do some ornaments in several steps, but it worked better to completely layer the paper over the ornaments in a single step.

6. Once the ornaments are tacky, smooth air bubbles out and smush the paper down until you get a look you like. Hang ornaments and wait until dry.

7. If you want glitter, then pour some glitter into your glue mix and paint on your ornaments. Hang to dry. If you are a glitter maniac, then paint the plain old glue mix on and pour the glitter over your ornaments.

Have you destroyed family heirlooms in the name of crafting? If yes, please share.

Snow Ball Ornaments

2011-11-09T06:00:00.005-07:00

Update from yesterday: At everyone's urging I'm keeping the red swimsuit, too. It was only $30, so it would be more of a pain to return it. Plus, Marcello, my little jerk of a Chihuahua, decided he liked the red one too (probably because it doesn't have an underwire). He liked it so much that he peed on it; all over the tag. WTF, dog?! Now I can't return it (that would be terrible shopping karma, right?) so I guess I'll wash it in hot water and wear it dog pee and all. I already pulled the tags off the other one or else I would be returning that one. Oh well, I guess a girl can never have too many bikinis! On to crafting.

I really enjoy browsing Martha Stewart's website looking for little projects. These Snowy Balloon Ornaments caught my eye. My ornaments ended up more pear shaped since I used incredibly cheap balloons. Eh, oh well, I think they still turned out cute, and the back of the tree needs decorating, too. If you want to make your own snowball ornaments visit the website linked above, and Martha's photos are about ten times (or more) better than mine if you want to see what these balls should look like. Tomorrow I will be posting a tutorial to make ornaments using vintage paper for you to copy, steal, or enjoy.

Swimsuit Shopping

2011-11-08T06:00:00.003-07:00

My old swimsuit is getting kind of baggy on me, so I needed something new for our cruise this weekend. I tried to find something in a store to try on, but I really couldn't find any summer stuff (that was a decent price) in November. I ended up ordering some suits online. Somehow I always forget swimsuit models have small boobs. I'm kind of down to the wire, so I have to pick from what I ordered since it's too late to order more. It's a bit more boobage than I like to show, but whatever.

I decided on a bikini. I know, I know, fat girls shouldn't wear bikinis, but I plan on drinking a lot on the cruise, so I don't think I'll care. Plus, my stomach isn't super taut or flat as a board, but it doesn't have stretch marks or c-section scars so I might as well show it off while I can. Plus, I don't have a muffin top anymore and I don't look like a beached whale, in my opinion.

Here are some above the waist shots of the two choices (Yeah, I'm not putting photos of my ass in bikini bottoms on my blog - I'll spare you people). Good thing I don't plan on doing much other than tanning, lounging by the pool, and drinking because one of the girls might bounce out of the top. I'm keeping the brown and black swimsuit since I'm a bit more secure in that top. And, yes, OccDoc's eyes did kind of bug out when he saw me in these. Tomorrow I plan on returning you to our regularly scheduled crafting projects. Attention MilSpouses: Joann Fabric and Craft Store is having their Military Discount Days: Nov 6 - 12. Present your Military Dependent ID or proof of past or present military service and get 20% off your purchase (including sale and clearance items). Joann isn't sponsoring this or anything, just wanted to let you all know about a good deal.

No, I can't tie the halter straps tighter and manage to keep my head up. My top priority for this summer is to buy a better swimsuit for these last minute winter vacations!

Archway Trees

2011-11-07T06:00:00.002-07:00

Okay, okay, so I finally joined Pinterest. I've been browsing around for some Christmas crafts to decorate our house and to give as gifts. My number one priority was to find something to replace my glitter pumpkins in my living room/dining room archway. I've been looking at stores, but I would need about 5 things to put up there and every thing I liked was getting way too pricey. Then I saw this pin. Perfect.

If you want to see the tutorial here's the post on Domestic in the City. She says it's a good craft for kids, but I wouldn't let kids do it. Not only because it's messy, but also because kids kind of suck at crafts and their crafts always end up looking crappy. Sorry, sad but true. I mean my trees look crappy, can you imagine how crappy they would look if I was 10?

Here's my final products of my Archway Trees, enjoy. Feel free to steal, copy, pin, or do whatever you want. I used tissue paper for the cream and gold tree, but I used cocktail napkins for the printed tree.

Commence Plan P

2011-11-05T06:00:00.000-06:00

I am a planner and a defensive pessimist, which also makes me a contingency planner. And, yes, defensive pessimism is a real thing; look it up. Always have a back up plan in case things go south. I'm always the person in the group who asks, 'What if that doesn't work?' A lot of people usually say to me, 'Oh, stop being so negative.' I want to reply, 'Stop being so stupid and naive.' But I don't, I usually just smile and giggle at them, and I silently think they're dumb for being so damn positive all the time.

When OccDoc deployed I started seeing a therapist just in case. I told her that - I said that I was doing okay with the deployment but I wanted to start seeing a therapist in case something happened to OccDoc. I hoped nothing would happen to OccDoc, but I needed a back up plan just in case. I am thankful that nothing too terrible did happen to OccDoc, but I don't regret my back up plan or the fact that I needed one.

Today we roll out Plan P. What does P stand for? Pregnancy? Parenthood? Eh, nothing really, it's just the 16th plan I've come up with to get pregnant. Each time we try something new I consider it a new plan. Some of our plans last for months and months and some are abandoned after one shot (like Plan O). Some of our plans we're still continuing to do, like yoga and acupuncture. I'm hoping Plan P is the end of it, but just in case I have a branched collection of contingency plans in case we need a Plan Q. Some people count injections; I count plans. So, here they are:

Plan A: Just plain old trying to get pregnant
Plan B: Added in basal body temping/charting
Plan C: Bought some PreSeed
Plan D: Tried Sperm Meets Egg Program (google it; I'm too lazy to link)
Plan E: Added Fertility Yoga
Plan F: Started fertility acupuncture
Plan G: The soy isoflavone disaster
Plan H: Finally bought Circle + Bloom (and highly recommend it)
Plan I: Lose weight while OccDoc was deployed
Plan J: Try like bandits again after OccDoc got back
Plan K: Go to the RE, get diagnosed, and come up with some new plans
Plan L: Clomid
Plan M: Femara + IUIs
Plan N: Traveling with Femara - hey, it was worth a shot
Plan O: Low Stim IVF - Antagonist protocol
Plan P: Full Blown IVF - Long Lupron protocol

First shot is tonight. For now Plan Q (and the other contingency plans) are on the shelf. I'm hoping I don't need to use them, but that won't stop me from creating them.

Getting Crafty

2011-11-04T06:00:00.000-06:00

Fretting about Christmas gifts is generally not something I do before I plan my Thanksgiving menu, but this year I am determined to get my shit together early. I also decided I don't want to spend oodles of money on gifts. I spent a couple of hours trolling Pinterest and the internet for ideas of Christmas crafts I could make for gifts. I wanted some sewing crafts, but that's not what I ended up with. Most everything I found was on Martha Stewart's site or on random blogs; don't worry I'll provide links for fellow crafters out there.

I decided to make some ornaments for my parents, my brother and his wife, and my sister-in-law's parents (they're practically like family, too). On Wednesday I got up, went to the gym, and visited the craft store for supplies all before 10 AM. I proceeded to 'craft' for the better part of the afternoon and evening. When OccDoc came home I was having trouble thinking and talking and realized I forgot to eat lunch. Oh, yes, crafting turns into an obsession for me like reading...or drinking. I got a lecture for that minor oversight while we cooked dinner.

Next week I plan on showcasing my creations (and disasters) right here for your enjoyment while I'm busy packing for, leaving, and drinking on our cruise. I'm still trying to find a sewing craft for Christmas gifts; I'm leaning towards making a quilted trim on dish towels for some fun Christmas dish towels for my mom and sister-in-law. If anyone has links to cute sewing projects that won't take 2 weeks to create I'm all ears. I have no idea why I feel so compelled to create Christmas stuff for everyone, but when I get a bug up my ass that's what happens. Or is it 'bee in your bonnet'? Eh, it's 'get a bug up your ass' in our house.

Here's what you might see next week: ribbon tree cards, snowy ball ornaments, sparkle trees, paper craft ornaments, and loads of glitter. Any other crazies out there started with the Christmas shopping/crafting?

Work Related Things

2011-11-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

This is a continuation of yesterday's post. I guess I wasn't clear. I have no intention of quitting my job at all, nor was I soliciting advice on what I should do. I was just pissing and moaning, one of my favorite pastimes. We're moving in less than a year, and not a moment too soon; I cannot wait to get the hell out of this town. It takes well over a year to build up a solid collection of paying clients if I were to open my own massage business, which is why I didn't open one in the first place. Trust me, I've done plenty of market research and it's just not worth it to me. With OccDoc in the army we never really know what's going to happen and I'm not going to pour blood, sweat, and tears into a business that I would need to walk away from at some point in the near future. Plus, the outlay of cash I would have to put up to rent a place, market myself, and buy supplies would mean I won't be profitable for quite some time even if I did magically get clients right away. Just seeing clients in my home is illegal in my county, and the army frowns on illegal things going on in the home of its soldiers. Plus, we have IVF cycles to pay for; it's not like we can afford to pay some fines when I get busted for violating business laws.

When I was in massage school, over two and a half years ago, I went to a panel discussion that my (now) boss was speaking at. I asked her about turn over in the industry and if she would hire someone who might only be able to work for a year or two. We talked after the discussion and I let her know I was an army wife, so my career came second after my husband's. We talked quite a bit and realized we had both worked at rival consulting firms years ago and had other similarities, like she was an Air Force brat. She hired me on the spot before I even graduated. I have always planned on working there until we moved or I had a baby. We never imagined we'd still be living in this state childless. I've even stayed after we moved out of the city and my commute grew to about 42 miles each way (it used to be walking distance).

After a few months on fertility meds, massage got very hard for me. My joints constantly ached and I was in some amount of pain on most days of my cycle. It was fine for me to work at a desk, but doing physical work, like massage, was impossible. Well, doing good massage was impossible; I'm still capable of doing a shitty massage, but who wants that? I told my boss what was going on and she confided about her battle with infertility and failed adoption story. She gave me a raise and let me work at the front desk and manage the other receptionists. My joints still ache daily and it seems to be getting worse. I have trouble opening jars/bottles or picking things up, like the water jug out of the fridge. I dropped my groceries on the way to my car yesterday because my joints gave out, even though I'm still weight lifting and strength is not a problem. I was careful when I was doing massage to be good to my joints and body, so I'm pretty sure I didn't cause permanent damage to all my joints in my brief massage career. We'll see how things are after this IVF cycle; hopefully I'll get pregnant because sometimes being pregnant improves achy joints. This I was told from a friend who happens to be a rheumatologist. Right now I just want to wait and see what happens; I don't think I can fit another specialist into my schedule right now. Plus, the thought of additional tests and medications right now on top of the IVF stuff is just way too much to bother with.

Anyway, long story short I have no intentions of just quitting my job because we aren't very busy or the studio might be in trouble. It takes money and a lot of time to hire and train people for even menial jobs, and that would be kind of shitty of me to just up and leave when the studio isn't doing so good. I've had a lot of jobs over the past few years because we've moved. Each time I get a new job I bust my ass to prove it was worth hiring me for whatever time I have there. I'm not someone who just quits when the going gets tough, especially if I believe in my boss and want the business to succeed. That's one of the lessons working at a small business has taught me. When I quit working at the universities or the consulting firm I was surely missed, but I didn't leave a huge dent when I left and I'm sure I was relatively easy to replace workwise. That isn't so with a small business; you have much more of an impact when you leave.

Small Business, Big Fears

2011-11-02T06:00:00.001-06:00

I work at a small business, a massage studio. The last two and a half years have been very enlightening. I have unending admiration and respect for my boss; she is an awesome businesswoman. But lately I have no idea how she manages to keep the lights on. Clients aren't exactly pouring in, although our therapists are really, really awesome. People just don't have the extra cash to spend on 'luxuries' like massage.

Well over two years ago OccDoc and I decided I should quit my full time job 'because we'd be pregnant pretty soon'. Ha. Ha, joke's on us. I have toyed with the idea of 'going back to work' and looking for a full time job, but several things are holding me back.

1. We can make it on OccDoc's salary and the spare change I make.
2. I effing hate looking for jobs. Job hunting blows.
3. A lot of people are looking for jobs right now to, like, live and stuff. I'm just looking for a job because I'm bored; I would feel terrible if I took a job from someone who really needed it.
4. I've discovered that I enjoy sleeping in and generally being a sloth while still being able to bake up some cookies during the day and have dinner on the table when OccDoc gets home.
5. How would I have time for blogging and my other time-wasting activities I have grown to enjoy? Oh wait, like everyone I know blogs at work. Okay, maybe my list ends at 4.

Anyway, my coworkers are getting worried. They only get paid for the work/massages they do, and when there aren't clients coming in, my coworkers aren't getting paid (but I am). I've had direct deposit at work for over two years now, but this last pay period something got messed up with the checks. We all got cut paper checks. Weird. I don't know if it was a computer glitch or if there wasn't enough money to pay all of us at once.

It's getting scary out there. I'm really hoping business starts picking up for the sakes of all my coworkers. Wow, that was kind of a rambly post, but work has been on my mind for the past few days/weeks.

Gettin' Schooled By 4 Year Olds

2011-11-01T06:00:00.001-06:00

After 30 minutes of Trick or Treat hours in our neighborhood OccDoc got a call on his way home. The panic in my voice was coming through loud and clear. 'We've gone through 2 bags of Snickers, 2 bags of M & M fun packs, and we're half way through the giant bag of Tootsie Rolls. I'm getting hit from all sides here; I'm completely out numbered; bring reinforcements.' OccDoc came through with 4 more giant bags of candy, but by 7:15 we were dangerously low. By 7:45 we ran dry and were lights out. Despite the dark house kids still rang our doorbell until 8:50. We have never, ever ran out of candy before, but we've never lived smack dab in the middle of Giant Family Land. Instead of 2 or 3 kids in each group, we were ambushed by herds of 5 or 6 children. Hoards of children. Nine bags of candy gone in under 2 hours. And I swear some of those little bastards came by two or three times.

When OccDoc got home I handed him the candy bowl and went to make dinner. A little boy looked up at OccDoc in his uniform and said, 'Oh, are you a Marine?' OccDoc laughed and said 'Something like that.' The little boy was obviously in awe of the uniform and OccDoc didn't want to let him down by saying, 'No, son, I'm a nerdy army doctor.' Let him think OccDoc's a Marine, it just sounds cooler for Halloween.

Another child toddled up to the door with 3 of his sisters. He yelled 'Trick or Tr-EAT!' I put a bag of M & M's in his plastic pumpkin, then he yelled, 'No GUM!' I laughed and he informed me that he was only 4 and you had to be 8 to have gum. Good to know, four year old.

How was your Halloween? Any cute Trick or Treaters? Anyone else run out of candy?

Oob!

2011-10-31T07:06:00.006-06:00

Yes, I bought some of those window gel stick up things. They were on sale and only cost like 30 cents. Our little octagon window has been sporting ghosts for well over two weeks now, prompting OccDoc and I to yell Oob! every time we walk past it (except when we're outside, then we yell Boo!). Um, yes, we are grown-ups; why do you ask? The other downstairs windows have vinyl bats on them and look classier. You'll have to imagine that, since taking a photo would require me either to open the blinds or walk outside, two activities that are much too taxing before I've had a full cup of coffee.

I have to go to the grocery store to, uh, grocery shop and to pick up Halloween candy. I kind of want to be nice to the one neighbor who was nice to me when we first moved in (her kids are annoying, but they aren't totally terrible like the other neighbor). I always feel awkward about going over and knocking on the door to say hi, but today is different. I have a plan since it's our first (and only) year in this house. I'm going to go over, knock, and ask what time Trick or Treat hours are in our neighborhood. She has 5 kids, so I'm sure that is a question well within her mom-knowledge. And, side note, she introduced herself as 'B.J.' when I first met her. True story.

And I was so shocked by your answers about if you buy candy you like or hate. Overwhelmingly you buy candy you like. Good for you guys! I'll see what's left today when I go the store. I'm not overly worried about leftovers since OccDoc will just bring it to work and put it in the soldiers' break room. There are a few soldiers that are the size of my pinky and who look like they just stopped Trick or Treating last year or so; I'm sure they'll devour the candy without a second thought. I hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween!

The Great Candy Debate

2011-10-28T06:00:00.000-06:00

Do you buy candy you like or hate? Sigh, this weekend we'll go out and buy candy like a crapload of other people. Usually by this time I know exactly what I'm looking for, but this year I have no idea.

I could get Almond Joy or Mounds or some equally as disgusting candy that I hate, but even though I hate it I'll still eat way more than an adult woman my age with no children should. I think people with kids end up eating WAY more candy than I do/could. Or should I go with a Snickers or Dark Three Musketeers fun size bars? I know I'll have three or four of those (anymore will make me sick), but at least I'll enjoy eating them. With Mounds I'll just whine about eating them because I don't even like them but I have to eat them.

So, people, how do you solve the great candy debate in your homes? Do you buy stuff you hate? Or do you give in once a year and have a few pieces of delicious, sugary goodness? What are you passing out this year?

Just Cruising Along

2011-10-27T06:00:00.003-06:00

OccDoc and I are in the cruise phase of the Dukan Diet, but that's not what this post is about. Actually, we're doing a 4 day Attack since we've both hit a plateau in weight loss. Well, OccDoc's is a plateau, mine is more like an I-can't-stop-eating-candy phase. On to the meat of this post.

When it's just me and OccDoc I whine. A lot. I whine about infertility. I whine about the dogs sitting on the couch in my spot on the nice blanket. I whine about how Dennis, the giant rabbit, is mean to me and never sits still when I want to pet him. I whine that no one ever comes to see us. I whine because I flippin' hate the town we live in. I whine about my commute. I whine about having a job. I whine about being underemployed. I whine about how my whining is bothering me. Oh, and I whine about the army. I am so amazed OccDoc hasn't murdered me in my sleep. I do talk in my sleep, but I usually don't whine, so maybe that's why I have yet to be murdered.

I only post the cream of the crop whining here for you to all enjoy. The really interesting stuff. I know I've whined a time or two (or two thousand) that I want a vacation. A vacation that does not include a stop at a relative's house. A vacation that is not a conference OccDoc is going to or a training the army sent him to. A vacation that does not have another purpose. A vacation that is just that...a vacation. Sure, we've gone places this year, but it is always with some purpose. Usually army related, but sometimes family related.

This weekend my whining took on a whole new level. There were tears. Normally with my whining it's just my whiny voice and I'm being melodramatic. This time was different. I whined that we never took a vacation when OccDoc got home. Sure we did a day trip, but I wanted a vacation. Why didn't we take a vacation when my husband came home from Afghanistan? Um, because we went to the fertility specialist instead and we started spending every red cent there instead of on vacation. As we talked about how we were going to pay for this second round of IVF without going into debt I started to cry. It is so nice to not have a ton of debt hanging over our heads and to actually live within our means, but sometimes it just f*cking sucks and you want to spend money you don't have (like your friends who seem to have everything and are effing pregnant). I'm sick of being responsible. Where has our responsibility gotten us? Somewhere I hate living. Awesome.

OccDoc looked at me while I was whining and crying and said, 'I didn't know we had time to get away before the IVF starts; I'd throw a vacation on a credit card if that's what you want.' I looked up, stopped crying, and said okay. So, that's what we did. We booked a 3 day cruise to somewhere in the Caribbean and put it on a credit card that we paid off awhile ago. We don't care how stupid and irresponsible it is to do that; we need a f*cking vacation after the past 2 years we've had. And the cruise wasn't that expensive (the airfare was another story). It's a 'starter cruise' since I've never been on one before. We set sail/get our drink on in under 3 weeks and will start our stims for IVF 4 days after we return. Plus, I've heard poolside margaritas are a cure for Lupron headaches.

Sometimes it feels really good to get what you want by any means necessary.

With A Little Help

2011-10-26T06:49:00.004-06:00

Monday afternoon I went in for my follow up appointment for the failed IVF cycle, commonly referred to as the WTF appt in infertility circles. I didn't think of it that way, mainly because I didn't care 'WTF' about the failed cycle; I wanted to talk about the next cycle. And so we did. My doctor is great (for me) he answers my questions very quickly and to the point. He told me he wanted to put me on a long Lupron protocol this time (last time we did a low stim antagonist). We talked about my sometimes lower progesterone levels and how my ovaries are slow starters sometimes, so instead of starting at standard dosing for the drugs after Lupron I'll be on higher doses. I don't have my calendar yet, nor did I have my drugs so I don't really know exactly what I'll be on.

I'm happy with that. I didn't tell my doctor this is most likely the last IVF cycle we'll do for a very long time, possibly forever, mainly because we haven't made any definite decisions right now. It hard not to think about the 'What ifs' so OccDoc and I have discussed some alternatives. Who knows where it will lead? Hey, but if you know, can you tell me?

Last night I also took a ginormous step, in my opinion. I've been struggling with this infertility thing for over 2 years now, the past 6 months have been nothing but unsuccessful treatments, so that's taken a toll on me. After this last cycle failed I knew I needed some support, emotionally. Blogging is great and all, but sometimes you need a real life support system to get you through. I managed OccDoc's deployment without a real life 'battle buddy' but this is harder, so much harder than I ever imagined. I'm starting out with a support group that I found on RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association. I've never been to a support group for anything before, so I was shakin' in my boots before I went.

Now I'm totally kicking myself for not going earlier, like months earlier. There were 5 of us there and everyone was super nice. Because I was new we all shared our stories. As shitty as our stories were (not the way they were told, but infertility is always shitty no matter how you slice it) it was really wonderful to hear what other women have been through in their own voices. To hear that emotion behind the words. To listen to the laughter used to prevent tears.

Sometimes when I read blogs I feel like I'm a loser and that we aren't doing enough. I feel so stupid for trying the IUIs when, obviously, they weren't going to work, and, yes, we did know that going into them. I feel like a dumbass for doing a low stim IVF cycle because my chances of success were lower. I feel like an asshole because I won't consider adoption because I'm not ready to give up on my baby. I feel like we aren't moving fast enough. I feel I'm being melodramatic because making the choice of IVF over other options shouldn't be that difficult. But those feelings are distorted because of the blogs I read, my sample is skewed. I want to read about other people doing IVF because I want to know about it, so I have skipped over some really great bloggers who aren't quite there yet. Maybe I've also skipped over the bloggers who are also struggling with their choices, the ones who have regret, the ones who have lost hope, the ones who felt broken and beaten up by life (and their husband's deployment) before they even started infertility treatments. But at the support group I realized OccDoc and I are normal and we're doing everything we can; there are other women out there like me and I now can look them in the eye instead of staring at a screen.

Setting Up Your REPLY-TO Email

2011-10-25T16:43:00.005-06:00

A few people commented that they were unaware of the option to set up a REPLY-TO email, so I'll be happy to enlighten you. First, let me explain what we're talking about here. When you comment on a blogger blog (or my blog at least) you have to have some sort of blogger profile whether or not you have a blog. A lot of times I want to respond to something you've commented about, but I can't/don't because I don't want to just randomly comment on an unrelated post on your blog and I doubt you'll check back at my blog to see if I've replied to your comment.

If you set up your REPLY-TO email I can just hit 'reply' when I get your comment and instantly we're blogger bff's. I get to respond back to you and you get personal interaction with me - it's a win-win. Plus, you'll find that a lot of other bloggers can now communicate with you (including maybe one or two that are even cooler than me). Here's how you get started:

Step One: Log into blogger and stare at your Dashboard.

Step Two: Click on 'Edit Profile'

Step Three: On the 'Edit User Profile' screen you have to do two things.

Step Three, Part 1: Check the 'Show my email address' checkbox

Step Three, Part 2: Under Identity, put an email address

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking: 'What if I don't want everyone on blogger to know who I am?' Um, do you know who I am? For reals? No, in most cases, you do not, so do what I did: set up a free email just to use for blogging. Ta da!

Homemade Dishwasher Detergent

2011-10-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite bloggers, chambanachik, has been quite the little money saver and sharing some of her tips, like DIY laundry soap and DIY Febreze, in addition to all the other amazing things she blogs about. I commented on one of her posts and asked it she had a recipe for Do It Yourself/homemade dishwasher detergent. See, people, that is one of the benefits of setting up a blogger profile with a reply-to email, then your favorite bloggers can respond to your emails. I'm almost out of detergent and I loathe buying/paying through the nose for it.

She sent me four different recipes she found on Pinterest. I have still been able to avoid the time suck that is Pinterest, seriously I would be catatonic if I had a login to that thing. I picked the easiest recipe to make, and we ran right out to purchase the supplies. Yes, we made homemade dishwasher detergent on Friday night, what of it? I've heard reports the ingredients can be found in Walmart, but I was able to successfully locate them in a local, low price grocery store that caters to extremely large families. Not as nice as a Costco or Sams, kind of like a Cub Foods if you remember those. I bought giant sizes of all the ingredients for homemade dishwasher detergent and laundry soap and spent just under $15. The boxes will last us approximately forever. Here's a link to the recipe I used. And here is the recipe for those of you who don't want to click over:

1 Cup Borax (it's in the laundry section)
1 Cup Washing Soda (it's in the laundry section)
1/2 Cup LemiShine (it's in the dish soap section)
1/2 Cup Kosher Salt (buy a big box because you'll never go back to little salt again)

Mix everything together and put it in a water-proof storage container. Also, if you have those silica gel (DO NOT EAT) packets toss a few of those in the storage container to keep out moisture.

I'm not as cool as chambanachik, so I don't have a bunch of photos to show you (just the one above so you can see all the ingredients and the finished project and a random pumpkin I have in my kitchen), but I do have a story. As I mixed the ingredients together OccDoc asked (in a snotty tone) 'Why are we doing this on a Friday night? Why don't we just buy real detergent?' I explained to him that it was like a thousand times cheaper to make our own soap AND it was green, too. Just then I inhaled some of my self righteousness and detergent. Um, don't do that. I started coughing and dramatically gasping for air. OccDoc is an Occupational and Environment Medicine doctor so when people inhale chemicals he's supposed to help them. What did he do for me? Looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and stifled a laugh. Nice.

The true test came Friday night when it was time to run the dishwasher with the new detergent. I used about a tablespoon of the mixture for the load, which was plenty. This mix will last you about 40-45 loads depending how heavy handed you are with measuring. But, I have plenty more ingredients, so I can easily whip up another batch. When the dishes came out Friday night OccDoc and I actually think they were cleaner than normal. The dishes actually sparkled. I think we have a WINNER!

What do you think? Are you going to give it a whirl? Have you tried any of the other DIY recipes referenced above? Do you have some other fabulous DIY recipe that you'd like to share with us?

Medical Decision Making: An Answer

2011-10-24T06:00:00.003-06:00

On Tuesday I had a dental appointment, so I wandered into a bookstore for some waiting room reading material. I have yet to jump on the eReader bandwagon, so I take my books the old fashioned way. I was determined to find a book to help with some leftover unpleasant feelings about the IVF cycle because if I read another book about vampires, werewolves, witches, or wizards I might vomit. I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe a book on hope? Or something like that. After a few minutes of searching the Self Help section, Psych section, the tables, and Medical section I still didn't have a book in hand. Then I walked past the New Non-Fiction table full of hardcover books. I try really hard not to look at those tables since those are the really pricey books, but my eye spied it. The book I wanted: Your Medical Mind: How to Decide What is Right for You.

I am sure well over half of you think this could possibly be the most boring book in existence and wonder why the hell I bought it, but it's a book about making medical decisions and why we choose what we do. I love cognitive theory books, my Cognitive and Memory Psych class was my favorite undergrad class. And what better book for me, a woman who is struggling with her recent medical choices?

The book is mainly filled with stories of people suffering from life threatening medical conditions, but the focus of the material is on how they arrive at their decisions and the biases they have. The take-home message for me was that some light was shed on my own tendencies and biases. I'm going to focus on that, but the book chock full of other useful nuggets, too. The different orientations/tendencies listed below aren't blank or white (or right or wrong), they are end points on a spectrum.

The first orientation I explored was my tendency towards natural healing; the book calls it 'naturalism orientation'. I believe the body and nature can heal itself given the right support (and to a certain point, I still take whatever medication when needed). I have a tendency to lean towards naturally-derived products to treat illness. OccDoc, on the other hand, has a 'technology orientation' believing cutting-edge new procedures and newly-researched medications hold the key to the cure; in his defense he is very accepting of some natural approaches I suggest. This leads to a lot of interesting conversations between a doctor and a massage therapist in our household.

The next tendency is how much treatment is wanted. Some people, like me and OccDoc, want minimal treatment. I hate, hate, hate going to the doctor for something that is ailing me, so will avoid it at all costs. Lucky I have OccDoc who can drag my ass to urgent care if I try to fix it myself for too long. I want the lowest possible dose of whatever medicine I'm prescribed and often will choose the most conservative approach, even if it's less successful than a more extensive/invasive procedure. Um, hi, low-stim IVF, anyone? That's why I felt I needed to go that route. On the other end of the spectrum are people who want the maximum possible treatment.

The last orientation really gave me some peace that I am not alone in my pessimistic, non-hopeful attitude. The first tendency would be the believers (OccDoc); they think they are going to get better, they just have to find the cure. Most people who I've talked to (or whose blogs I've read) about infertility fall in this category, I think. They are so hopeful and believe whatever treatment they are currently pursing is going to be it. I wish I could be that hopeful, but I am more towards the doubter end of the spectrum. Finally, some insight as to why I'm the way I am. Doubters are skeptical about all treatment options. They zero in on side effects and limitations of drugs and therapies. They ask ten thousand questions, or at least I do. The book says being a doubter sucks (I'm paraphrasing here) because it brings with it severe conflict when making decisions. Why? Because you doubt everything and it makes it hard for the doubter to be hopeful a treatment will work!! Finally, an answer. And I read it out of a book so it must be true. Even though I don't know how to be hopeful about my upcoming IVF cycle I at least am at peace with the fact that I'm not alone in my skepticism of the medical world and in my pessimistic attitude about it all.

Today I head to my RE to talk about the full-stim IVF cycle. I should get my calendar and know all the projected dates of everything. I also get to write an astronomical check for everything (except medications, I get to pay the pharmacy separately). My doctor will likely talk about the previous cycle and maybe offer explanation there, but I really don't care about that. We tried it, it kind of worked, but we didn't end up with a pregnancy, and we aren't going that route again, so I don't really feel like talking about it and beating a dead horse. It's over, move on. I'm going to try to focus on positive things, not on the cancellation rates or the rates of hyperstimulation or failure rates, but I'm sure I won't be able to help myself.

Anyone else read Your Medical Mind? If not, what do you think of the insights above, do you see yourself and medical choices in the different orientations?

Should I Fire my Trainer?

2011-10-21T06:00:00.000-06:00

That is the question I've been wrestling with for the past few weeks, even before the first IVF cycle didn't work out. And I don't mean fire in a negative way, like she did something wrong, just is it time to part ways? Don't get me wrong, I like my trainer and I've obviously have learned a lot from her, but at this point am I continuing to gain from the relationship?

I started seeing my trainer about a year ago with a goal in mind. OccDoc was deployed, so I had ample time to achieve my goal. Most people who see a trainer have goals like: to get healthy, to look sexier, to get stronger, to prevent bone loss, etc. My goal as stated to my trainer a year ago: To lose 10% of my body weight to help increase my fertility, so that I will become pregnant when my husband returns from deployment. There is some research that says obese patients who lose weight can experience a boost in fertility. Do I care enough to cite this statement with the studies I've read? Um, no, sorry. When I wrote that goal we didn't know what our infertility was seaming from, but surely losing weight didn't hurt my fertility. Let's take a look at my goal the SMART way; the way I learned in many online corporate training classes.

S - Specific - Yup, the goal is specific - To get pregnant
M - Measurable - Yup, measurable - 10% of my body weight and pregnancy
A - Achievable - In theory it should be achievable
R - Relevant - Yes, getting pregnant is relevant to my overall goal of having a biological family
T - Time - There is a definite deadline (when OccDoc gets home)

I have achieved part of my goal. I have lost at least 10% of my body weight to date, actually 21% of my body weight. I am no longer considered obese based on my BMI. The other part of my goal has yet to be achieved. OccDoc has been home for 8 months now, and I am not pregnant.

As a result of seeing my trainer I have a regular exercise routine that works for me (if I choose to follow it). I know proper techniques for lifting weights. I know specific exercises to help strengthen muscle groups that need it. I know how a well-balanced workout routine can benefit my health and improve my quality of life. I can evaluate an exercise to determine if it will help (or hurt) me. I know what works for my body and what doesn't. This knowledge alone motivates me to go to the gym, so I don't need the fear of disappointing my trainer to prompt me anymore. I have proven to myself that I can take a few weeks off from the gym (due to an IVF cycle or whatever else) and go back. Of course I'm still a touch sore from my weights on Monday, so now I've learned to take it a bit easier and perhaps lay off the lunge walking until I've got a few more return trips under my belt. In general, it seems as if I have learned just about everything I need to know in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I have the knowledge, I just have to apply it. I can probably do that without writing my trainer a check once or twice a month.

I know the answer is that I should stop seeing my trainer because I'm ready to do this on my own. It just sucks making that phone call. And I have to tell her the IVF cycle failed, too. Oh well, maybe I'll tell her I'll call her once I'm pregnant to see how we should modify my weight routine so I can workout safely during the different phases of pregnancy. That way we don't have to end the call with 'You're fired!'

Time Wasting Chores

2011-10-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

Wednesday is house cleaning day around my house. In the good old days when I worked full time we had a person come clean the house twice a month, but sadly that is not a luxury we can afford anymore. And I only work part time now, so it's a tab bit ridiculous to have someone clean up my filth with me still at home if you ask me. I dislike cleaning the house and I'm not super fantastic or quick about it. I do a very thorough job of cleaning the house just takes me all damn day. Why? Because I find a lot of time wasting chores.

Yesterday, for instance, was going pretty well. The house was cleaned for the most part by 2 PM AND I dropped off the recycling which takes about 45 minutes. But before I could finish up cleaning the house I decided I could not do anything until I alphabetized my spice drawers. I have never done this before in any of our houses but yesterday it was imperative. Generally looking for a particular spice requires me to open both drawers and shuffle stuff around until I find the desired spice.

While alphabetizing I discovered that I do own a bottle of dill weed. Do you know how many recipes I have avoided because I didn't have dill? Or how many grocery trips I ended up swearing at myself for not picking up the effing dill weed? Turns out I had it all along. Oops. And I discovered that I have two bottles of cream of tartar. Yeah, apparently it's not a very popular spice around these parts considering both bottles were nearly full.

I also made a spice wish list. Spices are expensive, so I try to not buy a whole bunch at a time. There are about 4 on the list, so I plan on spacing out my purchases over the next few weeks/months. So, alphabetizing my spice drawer, yet another time wasting chore that might actually pay off in the long run.

In addition to alphabetizing spices, I also like pulling absolutely everything out of my linen closet, refolding it, and putting it all back. WTH? I seriously need a hobby. Or a kid.

What are your favorite time wasting chores around the house?

Sunday Dinner Fail

2011-10-19T06:00:00.001-06:00

To clarify yesterday's post. I was not complaining about the crying babies. I am well aware of the fact that babies cry and do other less than awesome things. I was complaining about the lack of supervision on the part of the (careless) mothers of the crying babies. Anyway, on to today's topic.

I pride myself on being a pretty good cook. There was one meal (some mushroom dish) way back when we living in Texas that was a flop, so much so that I took it away from OccDoc and threw it out. Grabbed his plate (and mine) from the dinner table and dumped it into the trash. Yes, I'm a terrible person for wasting food. He said it was fine, but, really, it was disgusting and he didn't know what he was talking about. He protested when we ate PB & J that night for dinner. Since we started the Dukan Diet, well, I guess before that, I've been incorporating meat into my diet. Enough people convinced me I needed more protein and iron in my diet to get pregnant, so far it's worked out just great, thanks people who recommended meat.

Anyway, I am a master at cooking fish and vegetarian meals, but I haven't really cooked meat in 11 years, so the last few months have been quite a learning curve. OccDoc thinks I do a fabulous job cooking meat and encourages me to practice every day, i.e. he wants dinner daily. One of my biggest fears is serving undercooked food and giving us food poisoning. I'm not sure how we've avoided it so long because my second biggest fear is serving overcoooked, dried out food (just like Grandma used to make).

A few weeks ago we had a beef stew in the crockpot - it was amazing and delicious. On Sunday we strolled through the grocery store and saw beef stew meat and pre-cut up stew veggies on sale. Score! We're having stew tonight! We menu plan during the week, but weekends are a free for all since we never really end up making what was planned. I didn't feel like waiting 4 - 6 hours for stew in the crockpot (it was already 5 pm), so I thought I could just do it on the stove quickly. Wrong. Very wrong.

About 90% of the stew turned out awesome. The broth and veggies were perfect. The meat not so much. Dry as a bone. How the hell do you manage to dry out meat that is cooked in broth? Apparently you brown it with onion and throw everything in the pot and cook for an hour, that's how. I don't recommend it. Next time I will take the time to actually do it correctly. Have you tried to use shortcuts in the kitchen? Disastrous or surprise victories?

Back on the Bench

2011-10-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

On Monday, I went to the gym. It has been a couple of weeks since I've actually stepped foot in the gym. Sure, I've been walking and doing some 'working out' at home, but I haven't really pushed myself. Yesterday was a day to really push myself, and, perhaps, to punish my body for not getting pregnant. I did 45 minutes of strength training then headed home for a walk. A walk with a purpose. A serious purpose. Sweat was pouring down my back and it felt so good. I managed to keep up the pace for an hour. When I got home I did 45 minutes of yoga and wondered why I ever stopped.

I go to an MWR (army) gym on post. There is less than a handful of soldiers at this post, so most of the people who workout there are government civilians, contractors, and local firefighters and police officers. Since I'm a dependent of an active duty soldier I get to workout for free, so I don't complain about the free gym. Sure, it's kind of run down and the A/C doesn't work in the summer time, but it's free. The cardio machines all work and there are a lot of weight machines as well as free weights. There is no childcare provided, however.

Okay, I know I'm not a mother and I don't know oh-how-difficult it is to find time for yourself as a parent, but today I found this situation ridiculous. I think everyone keeps a running list of things they won't do when they're parents. My list isn't very long; I'm pretty tolerate of parents and how they choose to raise their children, but when you infringe on my life or you annoy the shit out of me I draw the line. Let's take a look at the photo below, shall we?

What is that? If you guessed 2 strollers (containing small baby humans) blocking the door to the free weight/weight machine rooms you would be correct. Like I said, the gym is free, so I normally don't complain. But do you know how hard it is to workout to the sound of 2 babies screaming? Especially, the first time you head to the gym after a failed IVF cycle? Let me tell you it's really flippin' hard.

So what should I do? Should I ask what hours at the gym are 'stroller-free hours' so I can just workout and not be bothered by screaming children? I don't listen to my ipod super loud because I don't think being deaf is something that appeals to me, so I can't just drowned them out. Do I fill out a comment card saying how ridiculous it is that two mothers leave their children at the entrance of the weight room while they workout? And for the record when I entered the weight room I couldn't even see the mothers - they were in an adjoining room and couldn't see their babies. The babies weren't that cute and they were being loud, so I wasn't planning on kidnapping them or anything. But still, I think if I was someone who had a child who couldn't yet walk or really do anything outside their stroller I might want to keep them within viewing distance. Not to mention when a strange, sweaty woman has to move the strollers to get into the weight room then glares at you, don't you think you'd at least walk over to make sure the crazy woman hasn't dumped your kids on the floor (not that I would). And, I know it's pain in the ass, but these two women were working out together, how about one keeps an eye on the kids while the other works out that way they don't have to pay a babysitter. Whatever, maybe one day I can be a completely irresponsible, careless parent*, too. We can all dream, can't we?

*For the record I have no problem with people who bring children who are capable of entertaining themselves to the gym. I often see kids playing on the basketball court without adult supervision. But leaving your babies on the basketball court when it's obvious they aren't prepared to play basketball, much less walk or talk? Unacceptable. You can call me crazy if you want, but I guarantee you that I will not be bringing my baby, if I ever get my hands on one, to the gym to annoy the infertiles trying to burn off some extra pounds for their upcoming IVF cycles. And that's a fact.

11.18.2011

2011-10-17T06:00:00.001-06:00

It's the big date. No, not because of the vampire movie release date. That's the start date for IVF #2. The big one. The one that's going to work hopefully.

I met with one of my doctor's partners on Friday for an ultrasound to take a look at my ovaries. My doctor was at a conference, and OccDoc and I really enjoyed meeting his colleague. Super nice guy, very soft spoken, much different from our quick talking doctor. I still prefer my doctor - I like getting information in bullet points and knowing the science behind decisions being made. During the ultrasound all my measurements looked great. The ovaries look fine and ready to roll. Birth control pills have been started, and I'll be on them for a few weeks before my suppression check on 11/18/2011.

Next Monday I'll meet with my doctor for a follow-up and to develop a plan for the upcoming IVF cycle. I have some questions to go over with him. I also want to make sure it's okay to go into another cycle so soon. I've been given medical clearance and my doctor said it was okay via email, but I guess I just want to hear it in person. I definitely want to start as soon as possible, and we don't feel pressured to start or to wait. Everyone at the clinic is really good about letting the patients call the shots. I like that.

I also had a blood test to confirm that I was not pregnant. All 3 nurses/medical assistants I worked with gathered around the blood draw chair. They were all so hopeful and excited for OccDoc and me. I informed them I had my period and they all sighed. We all talked about the upcoming IVF cycle. They all hope this is going to be it for us. Them and us both.

In the next month I'll go back to working out much harder than I am now. I'll try to get my weights up to level they were before I started the previous cycle. I really slacked off on strength training, so I've got some work to do. My body weight is about the same as it was before I started the last cycle, so I'm going to try to eek a few more pounds off the scale before starting stims. While OccDoc was deployed I had a daily yoga practice, now it's monthly at best. I'm going to try to get back to my daily practice as well as daily meditation. That's about the only thing I'm adding to my routine. I figure yoga can't hurt anything and maybe it will help stretch everything out before my ovaries are the size of softballs. Let the fun begin.

And Again...

2011-10-14T06:00:00.004-06:00

Today I go in for a pregnancy blood test which everyone assumes will be negative (considering my period), unless I am the extremely rare instance of a viable pregnancy with heavy bleeding. Chances are I'm not, says my doctor. Wednesday evening I emailed my doctor's office and I was under the impression the email went to the nursing team, wrong assumption. My doctor emailed back and answered my non-urgent questions about the progesterone (and I'm sure he laughed at my sarcastic jokes). In my email I mentioned we want to do another cycle sooner rather than later. He indicated I should come in for an ultrasound today to check to make sure my ovaries were okay. Since we didn't get very many eggs last time he assumes everything will be okay and we can get started planning the next cycle. This time it should be much easier since we're veterans now. LOL!

A lot of people will accuse me of not being hopeful or of being pessimistic last cycle. I'm a pessimist, what the hell do you expect? Seriously, the title of this blog is 'the annoyed army wife' that should give you some insight into my personality. I'm not about rainbows and unicorns. It is so hard to have hope and faith in something you have never experienced. I've never ever been pregnant, no chemical pregnancies, and exactly one pregnancy 'scare' about 7 years ago when we were first dating/sleeping together. The only time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test in real life was when I tested out my trigger shot. We're told that we can get pregnant, but I'm taking a more 'I'll believe it when I see it' approach, not this 'pregnant until proven otherwise' stuff. I have a hard time having faith in that approach since my body likes to prove otherwise.

Our last cycle was kind of a bummer. It was a low stim IVF cycle which is a relatively conservative approach and the right choice for us at the time. The goal before we started was to get 5 healthy, mature eggs as set by the IVF team (not me). It was apparent after a few days that only 2 follicles were going to be ready, so we lowered expectations. Then we found out we only had one viable egg that was retrieved (the other one was obviously immature and tossed right away). And, not to mention, the cycle was almost cancelled a couple of times. But when we had the transfer and put the 3 celled 2 day embryo into my uterus, that's when I had hope. I knew it was a long shot, but I had hope. That's when I let emotion out. I hung on to the hope with everything I had for a week and clung even tighter when I had mild cramping a week after transfer, which could have been any number of things, but I let myself dream that it was implantation cramping. But on Tuesday when I got the menstrual twinge that is the harbinger of bring-you-to-your-knees menstrual cramps I knew it was all over.

I was under no delusions that IVF was a 100% chance. OccDoc and I know the success percentages for the clinic and we know the percentages of 'normal' eggs a woman my age has. And after we knew we only had one egg we knew the chances weren't good, but that didn't stop us from dreaming and praying like crazy. I noticed OccDoc's gaze linger on babies a bit longer than normal. We held each other's hands during a mandatory religious class we had to attend that covered the church's stance on a lot of things, including fertility treatments. We tried to find a treatment that would work for us and be the least bad (for lack of a better word) in the church's eyes. I guess we knew we were sinning, but just wanted to sin as little as possible. Well, it didn't work out for us.

Sure, I'm disappointed by the result, I'm disappointed we have to go through this again, I'm disappointed that my views on so many things have changed, and I'm disappointed my heart is not open to adoption yet, I'm just not ready to give up on our baby, as terrible as that sounds. But I don't regret anything. We thought out our decisions and made the best ones we could with the information we had at the time. We did everything right. We never missed a dose of medicine, I relaxed and took it easy for the month, we got our questions answered to our satisfaction by our doctor, I did bed/couch rest after the transfer, I didn't go binge drinking while on the 2 week wait, I have nothing I could have done differently.

At the ultrasound my doctor will check to see if it's okay to start birth control pills again to get ready for the next cycle. This time we're chucking our morals and values to the floor and kicking them into the corner. Screw up first, then ask for forgiveness. I'm tired of trying to please everyone; the only people I care about pleasing are me and OccDoc. We needed the low stim IVF cycle as a stepping stone. We needed to know it wouldn't work for us, just like we needed to experience the IUIs to know they weren't the answer. Do I regret doing a low stim cycle instead of a regular one? No, because I would have forever wondered if low stim would have worked for us if we didn't do it.

The stakes were high last cycle, but this upcoming cycle they are at a new level. This is our last shot for a very long time. After this we are completely out of money to pay for IVF cycles (or anything else for that matter). When your insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments, you are pretty limited in what you can do, unless you're filthy rich, which, sadly, we are not. We don't know what happens if this cycle doesn't work, we haven't allowed our minds to go there. With the failed cycle last time we always knew we would/could do another cycle if it failed. That was the plan. There is no plan now, we're venturing into uncharted territory. We don't have anything other than hope to guide us.

Letter Pumpkins

2011-10-13T06:00:00.000-06:00

Our last pumpkin project was definitely my favorite. We wanted to do monogrammed pumpkins, but since this is an anonymous blog we just picked random letters to carve (sure we did). OccDoc scraped the guts out while I applied the patterns as seen below:

Here are the pumpkins with the letters traced on to them. I used a giant sewing needle (which I didn't stab myself with) to stipple the outline of the letters.

I used the hoof tool and a melon baller/garnishing tool to scrape most of the pumpkin flesh away so the pumpkins kind of glow. Well, the 'M' pumpkin does not glow since the flesh was so thick and I was tired by time it was time to carve it.

Even though it doesn't glow I still think the 'M' pumpkin is my favorite. I love those colors.

It's Not a Craft Day Until Blood Spills

2011-10-12T20:32:00.000-06:00

I know this is going to amaze most of you (yeah right), but I managed to slice open my fingers while carving pumpkins. No, that photo isn't showing off my rings; it's showing off my bandages. The girl who stabbed herself repeatedly while needle felting, sewed through her finger while making a tablecloth, and bled so bad during her 'injections' class we needed a break to clean up blood. Yeah, that girl sliced open her finger while using a sharp object. Amazing. Is it a good thing I married a doctor or what?!

On Monday, after the Glitter Pumpkins we decided to carve pumpkins, but we wanted something different. We spray painted the pumpkins black then carved faces on them for a different look. You are probably wondering what I cut myself with. A knife? A saw? Um, no, a hoof tool. A tool you use to scrape crap out of horse/cow/sheep hooves, or, in our case, to scrape pumpkin flesh away when you don't want to make a hole. It was a brilliant idea until I sliced open my finger. Here's my pumpkin:

And OccDoc's sleepy pumpkin:

My pumpkin was going to be about a thousand times awesomer, but it was hard to do the detail work with my thumb being sliced open. Oh, well, there is always next year. Tomorrow I'll show off the last pumpkin project. You'll want to stick around for that one, I promise!

Oh, and my reasoning for being so negative today was a woman asked me which high school my kids went to, my coworker dropped off my invite to her baby shower, I'm covering 4 shifts this week while the sorority girls are enjoying fall break, and I was spotting while having cramps all in a span of about 24 hours. My period showed up in full force this afternoon, and my uterus seems pissed for some reason. I go in Friday for the beta blood test to get the official fail, but based on 19 years of period-having-experience when I get my period I am usually not pregnant. I'm off to drink some wine, take a bath, and think about what a great vacation we could spent our 10k on. Oh, and don't tell me it's implantation bleeding or something like that because it's really not. I'm 14 days past retrieval and 12 days past 2 day transfer and it's very heavy. It's over, and we wasted our money on a gamble that we didn't win. And we're dumb enough to do it again. Can't have bad luck twice in a row, right? LOL, don't answer that. The bright side: I didn't have to waste money on buying pregnancy tests at the drug store.

Found a Worse Question

2011-10-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

I thought the worst question people could ask me while I'm in the midst of my first IVF cycle (that I'm fairly certain failed) was, 'Do you have kids?' It's like a knife to my little heart to have to answer 'no' to that question every freaking time it's asked. But, today I found out there is a much, much, much worse question people can ask:

Do your kids go to XYZ High School?

Yeah, someone asked me if my kids went to a particular high school yesterday. WTF??!!! I'm 31. If I had a kid (or kids) I would have had to have a baby while I was in high school for my kid to be in high school right now. Holy shit. Talk about getting kicked while you're down. Wow.

Glitter Pumpkins!

2011-10-11T06:00:00.001-06:00

Last Halloween I didn't decorate at all. Not a carved pumpkin, not even a mini pumpkin. OccDoc was deployed, and I wasn't going to decorate the house for just myself. This year OccDoc and I wanted to decorate a bunch! With a ton of pumpkins! And since (hopefully) this will be the last Halloween without kids we figured we should bust out the dangerous cutting tools and massive amounts of glitter while we can.

We made three different types of pumpkin decorations. The first decoration we worked on was glitter pumpkins. We have an archway between our living room and dining area. Normally I keep some small ceramic pots up there, but I thought it would be a perfect place to display a glitter pumpkin collection. Here are all the pumpkins and supplies we used to create our pumpkin masterpieces. We paid $20 for the ten pumpkins from a local nursery and about $25 for glitter, window decals, garland, and other pumpkin supplies.

OccDoc started by putting masking tape over the stems, then held the pumpkins while I sprayed them with spray adhesive. Then I sprinkled a mix of silver, orange, clear, and gold glitter over the pumpkins. We put a paper bag under the pumpkin to catch the extra glitter. OccDoc shook the excess glitter and put the pumpkins on the porch to 'dry'. I almost forgot to get an in progress shot, so here's four glitter pumpkins and one pre-glittered.

After about an hour or how ever long it took us to scrub the glitter and spray adhesive off our hands, I arranged my glitter pumpkins on the shelf. Love it!

We're hoping the pumpkins last through Thanksgiving, then I can switch them out for some equally as cute Christmas decorations. Did any one else carve pumpkins this weekend? How about make glitter pumpkins?

17 Days

2011-10-10T08:14:00.003-06:00

Normally I have a two week wait to find out I'm not pregnant. My luteal phase is a perfect 14 days. Two weeks is doable. Some days are rough, but for the the most part it passes, the test is negative, I cry and quickly move on with life. OccDoc is sad, but rarely distracted from daily life.

This time is different. OccDoc and I are both suffering from what only can be described as a derivative of deployment brain. You MilSpouses know what I mean. You're functional, but your mind just isn't in it. We both are extremely distracted trying to figure out when we'll cycle again and pouring over our finances to figure out how we're going to come up with the money. OccDoc (and all the other doctors in the army) are supposed to get a bonus yearly; we count on this bonus, but it doesn't always come very timely. It was late last year, so we assume it will be late this year...and not cancelled. I can't even think what will happen if it's cancelled.

We will both sit and stare off into space for what seems like hours, but really I think it's just a few minutes. We give each other random hugs and kisses. I frequency of "I love you's" has increased tenfold. We both are setting ourselves up for heartbreak of epic proportions. Or joy, but I think there is more prep work that needs to go into heartbreak.

AND my two week wait? I haven't had any horrible symptoms. I'm getting afternoon headaches and an afternoon crying spell, but everything else I'm feeling I can't really attribute to the medicine or pregnancy. The crying is debatable if I can attribute to the medicine, but I'm pretty consistent with when I take my medicine and when I feel weepy, of course it could just be the intensity level of everything. Oh yeah, and try two week and 3 day wait. My clinic has you wait 17 days after retrieval for the beta (blood test to determine if you're pregnant). It would be nice if they did it earlier, but it really doesn't matter how long they make us wait. You can't just wait for your period to show up like I normally do because the progesterone you're on prevents your period from showing up. And I could just take a pregnancy test at home, but we decided not to. It's one of those things I really don't want to find out about. I want the possibility that I might be pregnant to hang around a little longer. This Saturday I'm supposed to have my beta, but maybe we'll cheat and sneak in on Friday since I'm working all day Saturday. It's fall break and of course the sorority girls needed off, so I took their shifts. But I did tell them all they owed me and I may be calling those favors in if we have to do another IVF cycle.

Eek! A Mouse In The...

2011-10-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

I've been so distracted with all this IVF bullshit that I haven't even had the chance to blog about my harrowing experience the other week. It was the day of OccDoc's promotion ceremony like a week and half/two weeks ago. The ceremony was in the afternoon, so I had all morning to screw around. I was drinking a giant cup of coffee (pre-retrieval/transfer) and went to grab something out of the guest bathroom. I set my cup down on the sink and spied something out of the corner of my eye in the toilet. My first thought was, 'When did OccDoc turn into a barbarian and stop flushing the toilet?'

Then my eyes focused on 'it' as I reached for the flusher. 'It' stared back at me. 'It' put its tiny little paws by its face, looked up at me, and started shivering. 'It' was a mouse, definitely not what I was expecting in the toilet.

For a split second I almost flushed it. We've been trying to catch this fugitive for about a week. Yes, catch the mouse. I have a humane mouse trap that we were trying to use. We did manage to catch a mouse in Maryland with it, so I thought we'd have luck here. Mice are very smart when it comes to humane mouse traps, so it takes a lot of patience to capture them. Anyway, I almost flushed the mouse until I looked into its beady little eyes and it shivered. It reminded me of something else that has beady eyes and shivers all the time.

Allison, our 4 lb Chihuahua, also shivers and has beady eyes. I had to save the mouse. I grabbed a box to put over the toilet so the mouse won't jump out. Judging from the amount of mouse poop in the toilet I think it was trying to get out for quite a few hours, but nonetheless I figured the moment I turned my back it would jump on me or something. I ran downstairs and grabbed one of our gladware containers (a junky one that needed to be tossed out anyway). I don't know how I did it, but I scooped the little mouse up and slapped the lid on the container. Oh, and of course I poked holes in the container so the mouse could breathe, and I put some cheese and dog food in the container in case the mouse was hungry.

The mouse and I drove to OccDoc's promotion ceremony. About 40 minutes into the drive I heard the box with the container with the mouse in it tip over. I knew OccDoc would FLIP if a mouse got loose in my car, so I pulled over on the deserted road. Fortunately the mouse was still in its container. I released him into the 'wild' on the side of the road. He bounded away into the field. I hope he's still alive and has a new home far, far away from my home, but he probably got eaten by a hawk or an owl that night. Sigh, good luck, little mouse buddy, hope you're still alive.

Oh, and if you're wondering I only thought about keeping it for a pet for about 2 minutes. Mice are dirty, although this one pooped in the toilet which means it was practically housebroken. Plus, I was kind of mad at him for eating my emergency chocolate a few days ago (which is why the mouse was a fugitive running from the law [me]- eating my emergency chocolate is a serious offense in this house! Especially during the IVF cycle!). AND the really creepy part is the mouse was upstairs two doors down from where OccDoc and I sleep. It's one thing to have a mouse in the kitchen, but upstairs? None of my pets are even allowed upstairs. There have been no signs of mice since I captured this little guy. Hope it stays that way!

Am I the only one who has ever used a humane mouse trap before? Or are there other weirdos out there? Don't be shy, tell me I'm not the only one!

At Home Acupuncture

2011-10-05T06:00:00.001-06:00

I may have mentioned a time or two that I love acupuncture here. Even before I started seeing a fertility acupuncturist I saw a general acupuncturist. I've seen my acupuncturist for a lot of issues: wrist pain, colds, fertility, stress, and just because I wanted a nap. After you've been going awhile it is soooooo relaxing, and my general acupuncturist is a community acupuncturist with a sliding scale for payment (I pay between $15-40 per session depending on what I can afford).

My fertility acupuncturist did a pre and post embryo transfer acupuncture session with me. The pre-transfer session was at her office, and the post-transfer was at the fertility clinic...while I was on valium. So, it was really, really relaxing. Like the fact OccDoc and the acupuncturist were flapping their gums while she was putting needles in me didn't bother me. I even dozed off. Then I heard them talking about my cold (the one that has been bugging me for the last couple of weeks); OccDoc is on some Chinese herbs she prescribed for his allergies and congestion which my acupuncturist told him were contraindicated for pregnancy (like don't take them if you're pregnant). My acupuncturist said, 'So, she just has to suffer.' I opened my eyes and I replied, 'I can hear you two make fun of me.' That was answered with their giggles.

My acupuncturist gave OccDoc a crash course in acupuncture and gave him some needles to "help" me with my cold. Just because he's a doctor people think he can do everything, except me, I know better. I was really plugged up last night and gave in. I mean I've been letting him jab me in the stomach with needles, how far of a leap is letting him stab me in the face with needles? He needs to learn how to stab me in the face one day - who else is going to give me wrinkle injections when I'm old and wrinkly? As OccDoc leaned over me with the needles I asked if my acupuncturist actually told him how to stab me in the face. "No, but I've seen it done a million times." Oh, good, I feel better now.

After a few tries he got the needles in my face. As I laid on the couch I could feel my sinuses open up and could breath through my nose. And I don't even have any marks on my face from it today! I say at home acupuncture was a success! Scary as hell, but a success!

Disclaimer: Um, yeah, I would not recommend getting acupuncture by anyone other than a licensed acupuncturist.

What a Guy!

2011-10-04T06:00:00.001-06:00

OccDoc is normally a stand up guy, but he has been really, really kind the past few days. Protective almost. He was really stepped up the chivalrous behavior. After my embryo transfer my clinic is kind of...ummm...not conservative with their instructions. I was supposed to take it easy the afternoon/night after the transfer. The next day I was supposed to slowly return to normal activities except for high impact activities, lifting over 50 lbs, or falling down. Yes, I got specific instructions not to fall down. OccDoc and I decided I would be on couch/bed rest the day after my transfer (since I'm lazy and whined).

Saturday, the day after my transfer, OccDoc let me sleep in and came into the bedroom when I woke up. He was holding a cup of coffee (that I thought was for me). He said he didn't pour me any because he wasn't sure if I would want some. Um...I'm homicidal without a cup of coffee in the morning and my husband knows that. We've done our research and agreed that one smallish cup of coffee every day is going to be fine pregnant or not. I have been doing just one cup of coffee daily for the last year or so after weaning myself down from the 3-4 cups I drank a few years ago. Anyway, I asked OccDoc where my mug was and he said he didn't know if I would want one. I confirmed that yes I did want/need a cup of coffee with or without an embryo in my uterus. Even if I become pregnant I won't be any less homicidal in the morning. In fact I might be more homicidal.

The next day I was bored and wanted to fold the laundry. I loaded up the laundry basket from the dryer. I picked up the laundry basket and OccDoc ran over to offer to carry it. It was so cute and completely unnecessary. It's not that OccDoc would never ever do this, but he knows I would just roll my eyes at him and say that I'm not helpless.

That evening we went for a walk. There is some road construction and loose rocks on the roads. People drive like bandits around here. I was walking on the outside of the sidewalk and OccDoc made me switch spots with him. His reasoning was so he would get hit by flying rocks instead of me.

I can handle a couple more weeks of this. Actually I could handle quite a few more months of this. Like 9ish.

Minor Annoyances

2011-10-03T07:27:00.004-06:00

Every so often I need to talk about things that annoy me, you would think I would do that much more often considering the name of my blog, but every so often is what I got. And there are only two things that are currently on the docket to talk about. Please rest assured these two items are very minor annoyances in my life and I am actually still friends with most of the people who exhibit these two things, so obviously they don't annoy me that bad. So please don't take offense if I inadvertently make fun of you. Because if I knew you in real life I would make fun of you to your face. And I wonder why I only have a few friends...hmmm.

Growing up we were not allowed to put bumper stickers on the car. If you were an honor roll kid your bumper sticker got magneted to the refrigerator. End of story no discussion. Dad did not like scraping bumper sticker residue off the cars. When I bought my sweet first car (1986 Ford Mustang - 4 cylinder, what? It was built for economy, not speed.) I plastered the thing with bumper stickers because it was my car. Peace Frogs, Mean People Suck, you name it I had it. And then the bumper sticker thing was played out, and no other car I've ever owned has had a bumper sticker since. OccDoc is the same as my dad - no bumper stickers will ever grace his bumper, although he might tape an honor roll bumper sticker to the back window. We are hoping for an average child, however, so the honor roll thing probably won't come up.

I enjoy bumper stickers on other people's cars; I like having things to read while I'm driving. Since I don't text while I drive my reading material is severely limited. I may have mentioned in my new-ish neighborhood there are a shit ton of kids running around. Like more than normal. In the 6 houses I surveil from my bedroom window each house has at least 3 kids (5, 5, 4, 4, 3) and I currently know 2 families with 7 children (which is completely not out of the ordinary around here). Oddly enough OccDoc and I are the only non-grandparent-aged couple without kids, which makes us feel really awesome. Anyway, I don't mind children running through the streets as I crawl along in my subaru; it's fine, I liked playing Frogger a few years ago. And I don't mind all the children because I can let my two Chihuahuas outside to yap their heads off and you can barely hear them over all the kids screaming. Peaceful, my neighborhood is not.

There is one thing these large (and small) families do that does make me want to keep bricks in my car. Those effing stick figure things on the back window. Every time I see one of those I want to throw a brick through the window. It's not jsut a mommy and a daddy and a baby sticker, not these things stretch ALL the way across the back window, driver side to passenger side. And it's not just the fact that we don't have kids that I dislike these stickers; I'm sure my opinion would not change if I did have kids. I promise it wouldn't.

And from a PERSEC (personal security) point of view what a fantastic announcement of your vulnerability to a criminal: You're a parent with 3 kids, a dog, and a cat (and a mini van). Okay, maybe that's taking it too far, but that's what I always think when I see that. You don't have to be the fastest gazelle in the herd you just have to be less vulnerable than your neighbors next door with the stick figures on their mini van parked outside their garage because there is too much shit in their garage from their terribly messy and loud children to fit their minivan in the garage. And breathe. Oh, yes, I did see that video on Tosh.0 about the stick figures on the window and nearly peed myself from laughing so hard. But, seriously, if you have stick figures on your window rest assured I won't be putting a brick through your windshield anytime soon and I probably won't even mention it to you. I'll just roll my eyes which you'll probably see because when I think I'm rolling my eyes in my own head I actually do it in real life, too, oops.

The other thing that has been bugging me is when people ask me if I have tinsel in my hair. This has happened several times (enough to annoy me) in the last couple of months, and I usually want to answer that question like this: 'Why the f*ck would I have tinsel in my hair?' But I don't, I keep that on the inside. I realize everyone has feathers in their hair (I've seen it on a 6 year old and a 60 year old, so, yes, everyone), but I have never been one for hair fads. I'm lame; I completely admit it. I didn't get the Rachel cut, I'm not going to ever put feathers in my hair, and every time I get trendy bangs I want to shave my head three days later because I hate bangs on my head. I stopped coloring my hair six years ago, since I realized my natural hair color doesn't completely suck. Being 31 years old I have noticed in the time I've stopped coloring that I have quite a slew of gray hairs, but not all over my head. I have a gray streak that gets bigger each year; six years ago it was only 4 hairs strong and now it's a lot of hairs. And it's fairly hard to photograph.

The streak isn't in my normal part and generally I wear my hair down, so it's not really that visible. Every once in awhile, usually when I'm in the sun, people catch a slight glimmer from my head, and of course assume it's tinsel. Why does this bother me so much? I don't know; it just does.

What little, random, innocuous thing bugs you? The stuff you should just get over and not even think about, like stickers on cars or being asked if you have tinsel in your hair.

Transfer Was a Go

2011-09-30T17:33:00.003-06:00

All night last night and this morning I was completely expecting the clinic to call and say, 'Hey, your embryo arrested, don't bother coming in.' Fortunately, said call never came and we were good to go. OccDoc and I drove up to the city, had a luscious breakfast, and headed over to the acupuncturist's office. I had my pre-transfer treatment and zenned out. We got to the clinic right on time and were ushered right back. The nurse came in and went over post-transfer instructions and dropped off my candy...err...valium. The RE came in with the embryo report. At 45 hours we had a 3 cell embryo. I didn't want any other details on it. Weird? Yes. But I didn't want to know if it was poor quality (and be sad) or high quality (and get false hope). I signed the consent form and had my candy.

We headed to the procedure room; OccDoc and I suited up. I got comfy on the table while the nurse covered me with warmed blankets. It was like a spa treatment, well, a spa treatment with drugs and stirrups. The embryologist came in to show us the embryo. All 3 cells are very similar in size and there isn't any fragmentation (good things). I asked if the growth was average. You don't want too fast or too slow. He said we were right in the middle of the bell curve. So, we're hoping our average embryo turns into an average baby.

The transfer itself was probably the most comfortable procedure I've ever had. Way better than most of the ultrasounds, HSG, saline sonogram, and the IUIs. Of course that might have been the valium talking, but I was so pleasantly surprised by this. We got to see the catheter on the ultrasound screen and the little white blimp, which was our little embryo being deposited in my uterus. The doctor and nurse left the room and I was supposed to relax for 5 - 10 minutes. The damn valium must have made my tear ducts go crazy because the tears were falling. This is the first time I've cried since July. Not sure what emotion I was feeling, but it felt good to get it out and have OccDoc wipe the moisture from my cheeks. After I was done relaxing we headed to a different room to have a post-transfer acupuncture session. Well, first I hit the bathroom since you have to have a full bladder for the transfer which the nurse pushes down on with the ultrasound. It wasn't too bad, but I have a bladder of steel and could practically go horse back riding with a full bladder and not have a problem.

This weekend we plan on hanging out, lounging, and watching movies. I'm not on bed rest per say but I'm taking it as easy as possible. I do not want to look back and have any reason to blame myself if this embryo doesn't implant. So, I guess that means binge drinking and marathon running are out of the question this weekend. We'll head back to the clinic 15 days or so for a blood test to see if we're pregnant. I'm not really one to test earlier or to go crazy with symptoms, so we'll see if this cycle is any different.

Still In It

2011-09-29T14:45:00.003-06:00

The fertilization report came today (early this afternoon). One of the eggs was immature and one was mature. The mature one fertilized and it's still growing, so I guess we're still in it. Since we just have one little mass of cells growing, we're going to do a 2 day transfer. OccDoc and I were completely prepared for the 'Game over' type of news, so the nurse had to repeat herself on the phone with me.

We still are very much not out of the woods yet, like we've just stepped into the woods with this news. But we're just going to hope the embryo keeps growing and makes it to the transfer. One step at a time. Baby steps, hopefully. Thank you for all the positive vibes and prayers you've sent our way.

2

2011-09-28T14:34:00.004-06:00

Greetings from the couch! They were able to get 2 eggs out of me. We're happy, the doctor is happy. They had some difficulty with my deceptively tough and fibrous ovaries, not sure what that's about, so it's something to add to my question list. One egg looked really good, the other one they aren't so sure is totally mature. Today they'll do ICSI (inject a sperm into the egg) on the eggs they got. The clinic will call tomorrow with the fertilization report letting us know if the eggs were mature and if they fertilized, not all eggs fertilize even with ICSI. Until then, I'm going to enjoy these awesome drugs and my man servant (OccDoc).

Getting Knocked Out to Get Knocked Up

2011-09-28T06:00:00.001-06:00

Okay, so technically I won't be all the way knocked out, but, whatever, I get some fun drugs. Today is my egg retrieval. The day they get my eggs out of me with a big needle. I'll spare you further explanation. I'll try to post later today how many eggs they get. Keep your fingers crossed for 1 or 2. Three would have us over the moon.

By the way, not that I like to laugh at the pain and discomfort of others, but I was extremely entertained by your blood draw nightmares you posted yesterday. I pretty much read all the comments with my mouth wide open with my hand covering it. Kind of like when you watch a you tube video that you just know is going to end badly. Thank you for the distraction, people!

I'm also excited about tomorrow because I can stop hearing OccDoc's words bounce around in my head every freaking time I cough (I have a head cold): Stop coughing, you'll pop an egg. I don't think that can happen, but I hear that every time I get a tickle in my throat.

Wishing for a Vampire

2011-09-27T06:00:00.001-06:00

Or a decent phlebotomist. In the past few months I've had a lot of blood drawn. Over my lifetime about half the people who have drawn my blood have commented that I have 'tiny' veins. The other half? Oh, they say I have 'great' veins. Hmmmm...okay. OccDoc just rolls his eyes when he hears someone comment on my tiny veins. At the fertility clinic all the nurses and medical assistants have been fantastic in drawing my blood. Fantastic. All except one. She blows.

The first time she took my blood in June she used the mixing bowl technique, you know where the needle goes into your arm and then is swirled around until a vein is found. Yeah, it's not so pleasant. It's been a few months since I've seen her, but she was there this weekend. Yay. I could hardly contain my excitement.

On Saturday she needed to take my blood. I held out both of my arms for her to look for a vein. She looked and clicked her tongue. 'What tiny veins.' Cue eye roll from OccDoc. She then took my hand and said, 'Can I look for a vein in your hand?' I pulled my hand back to my chest, cradled it, and replied, 'Um, no.' OccDoc was standing behind her and raised an eyebrow. He told her where to find my vein in my left arm (some medical-heavy talk ensued) and she was able to find it with a butterfly needle. She put a cotton ball on my arm and taped it down. A few minutes later OccDoc noticed the blood running down my arm and raided the nurses' station for some coban (that stretchy wrappy thing). He cleaned my arm and wrapped it up while giving the medical assistant the stink eye. Oh, and OccDoc's got a mean stink eye - I've never seen that one before - that he saves for incompetent healthcare workers.

On Sunday she was there again. The ultrasound did not go well, so she had one shot for the blood draw. If she so much as blinked weird I was going to demand someone else to draw my blood. If no one was available I'd just have OccDoc do it. Fortunately, for absolutely everyone involved (especially OccDoc) she got my vein and blood without issue.

Yesterday she wasn't there and a new girl was in. I've never seen this woman before. I was nervous since I've got holes all over my arms. She got the straight needle, wiped my arm, tied the rubber band thing with one hand, stabbed, and was done before I even realized what happened. I went to put my finger on the cotton ball to apply pressure while she got the tape, but she said she could do it herself. In the blink of an eye the cotton ball was secured, and we were done. What a relief. Absolute relief.

I don't know how difficult it is (or isn't) to draw blood. I'm not criticizing people, but with the volume of patients in the clinic you would think the medical assistant would have a little more experience. And be better. Still doesn't beat the disaster that happened when I tried to donate plasma that one time in college...but that's another story for another day.

Okay, lay it on me. What's your worst blood drawing experience? Don't spare any of the gory details, people!

Final Monitoring Appointment

2011-09-26T11:55:00.005-06:00

This morning was my third monitoring appointment. OccDoc was supposed to go to work because I was totally fine to go by myself to find out if we truly were cancelled or not. I woke up at 7 AM and didn't recall OccDoc leaving for work, which was weird because he always gives me a kiss, tells me he loves me, and tells me to have a good day before he leaves for work. I attributed not remembering OccDoc leaving to my level of exhaustion. Then I heard a throat being cleared downstairs and I found OccDoc sitting on the couch in his jammies working away on some letters he needed to finish up for work.

He decided to go to my appointment with me, got another doctor to cover his morning patients, and sat down to work from home all before 6:30 AM. We arrived at the doctor's office and were escorted into lucky ultrasound room #3, instead of crappy room #1 we had yesterday. The doctor came in and pretty soon my ovaries were on the TV screen clear as a bell. The doctor blamed the ultrasound machine for the fuzzy images yesterday, I blamed the impreciseness of the human body. Who knows who's right? Oh, who am I kidding? I'm always right. Am I concerned about my clinic? Not in the least. Is OccDoc concerned about my clinic or the care I've received? Nope. You guys only get the slightly interesting and/or funny information that I post here, not the whole story. I'm spending a lot of money on an infertility doctor who I spent a lot of time researching and trust, so if anyone has reservations about the quality of healthcare I'm receiving keep it to yourself. Thanks.

Saturday my lining was about 8 mm, today it was just over 10 mm. The two big follicles on Saturday were 17 & 15 mm, today they were 20 & 18 mm. Things are looking good with a minor negative blip yesterday. My bloodwork from Saturday and Sunday looks good and we'll get the results from today later this afternoon. What do I attribute the positive improvements to? Shots of wheatgrass, acupuncture, tons of 'relaxing'? Um, no, probably was the buffalo chicken we had for lunch and the piña coladas I had with dinner.

We got the go ahead to take the trigger shot tonight. The trigger shot tells the eggs to hurry their asses up, mature, and get ready for retrieval. The retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday. We're hoping for 2 - 3 good eggs (ha ha) and for at least one to fertilize with ICSI (where they inject the sperm directly into the egg). Since there is a low number of potential embryos we'll most likely do a 2 or 3 day transfer. If 2 decent looking embryos are transferred the doctor gives us a 45% chance of becoming pregnant, 40% if one decent looking embryo is transferred.

Tomorrow I plan to go to work, run a few errands, and get the house cleaned (which are all normal activities), so I can have an empty To Do List and relax for the retrieval and transfer. So, there you have it. Until things change again.

So Are We Cancelled Or What?

2011-09-25T20:09:00.004-06:00

The second monitoring appointment did not go as expected. We showed up for our 10 AM appointment on time and were ushered right in. I hopped up on the table and got ready for the wand. After a few minutes of searching for my ovaries they were nowhere to be found. Um, I know they were in there yesterday, but today I guess they were hiding behind my appendix or something like that. I hopped off the table to empty out my bladder, but got stage fright and it was a no go. More searching ensues and then we hear this, 'Oh, wait, I think I see your right ovary.' What do you mean you think? Sigh.

Anyway my ovaries were not cooperating and the doctor couldn't get very good measurements, then he determined the ovaries/follicles looked cloudy. Um, I don't know if you have ever seen an ultrasound, but those things are always cloudy/fuzzy to me. What else is new? The doctor thought I might have ovulated on my own due to the cloudiness. Awesome. I asked, 'Can we just do some blood work to confirm that?' Rather than continuing to treat my insides like a bowl of cookie dough and the wand like a wooden spoon? Getting blood out out of my arm seemed like a really good idea to me at the time.

I asked, 'So do we take more injections or what?' What's the plan, man? The plan was to go home and wait for a call. And wait. Until 2 in the afternoon when I made OccDoc call the clinic to leave a voicemail. We had plans for the evening and were in the parking lot for a church group meeting. Before OccDoc finishes his message the nurse is on the call waiting. Turns out the blood work indicated I did not ovulate and we were still a go. For the last 2 days at the doctor's office I was a broken record, 'I only have 3 vials of shots left.' I told the doctor, the nurses, the medical assistant, and the receptionist, and was told it was not a problem. What does the nurse tell us to do? Take 6 vials. Awesome; I only have 3. OccDoc gives our credit card number and we drive back out to the clinic where the nurse put the vials of medicine in a bag outside the clinic. Drug deal fertility style.

Giving me the news that my IVF cycle might be canceled could have went better today. The nurse who was working with me was the nurse who told us we must be having 'a bad sperm day' at our last IUI. Yeah, 'cuz that's what you want to hear right before an IUI. She said that I might have ovulated on my own, and there is always a risk of cancellation of IVF cycles. My response, 'I thought the cancellations were people who f*cked up, we haven't f*cked up yet.' She told me I was so funny. I know some people have their cycles cancelled because of reasons beyond their control, but some people have their cycles cancelled because they f*cked something up. Patients are non-compliant, they get confused easy, and they just refuse to follow directions.

After a few minutes of talking to the nurse who said some other less than tactful things I shrugged my shoulders and said 'Oh well, our cycle's cancelled. Are we done?' I was tired of listening to it and wanted to leave. The nurse turned at me with a shocked look on her face and said, 'Oh well? This is devastating news!' Um, my husband not coming home from Afghanistan or coming home injured or a miscarriage - those things are devastating. My IVF cycle getting cancelled before really getting off the ground? Not devastating, disappointing, yes, but there are greater tragedies in the world. A little perspective, please.

So, after a day of back and forth we are a go for IVF. OccDoc gave me my injections. And I get to go back tomorrow morning for yet another $414 doctor's appointment for blood work and another ultrasound. We're hoping tomorrow we'll get the go ahead for the trigger shot, which helps the eggs do some last minute preparing to be retrieved. Hopefully tomorrow morning both ovaries cooperate and are easy to find and measure. Just hoping for an uneventful appointment that's a little more certain than today's appointment.

Monitoring Appointment

2011-09-24T11:25:00.004-06:00

Today was my first monitoring appointment to see how things are progressing for this low stim IVF cycle. And we need another monitoring appointment tomorrow which is more money out of pocket. A drop in the bucket, right?

Anyway, I've been doing my ovulation predictor kits as instructed every day for the last few days; I do them at 11 AM every day to be consistent. My appointment was at 10 so I declined the offer to empty my bladder since I still needed to pee on a stick today. Of course everyone commented on how full my bladder was which was painfully obvious on the ultrasound. The RE started by looking at the right ovary (the asshole one). He made a noise, his unhappy noise. There were a bunch of follicles but none over 11 mm (he was thinking trigger today or tomorrow). Then he shifted over to the left and saw what he wanted to see. Two follicles - one at 17 mm and one at 15 mm - and a bunch of smaller ones. My lining was at 8 mm.

We go back tomorrow for another ultrasound to see if we should trigger Sunday or Monday. The RE thinks we should get 2 - 3 eggs at retrieval. For a low stim IVF cycle 4 - 5 would be excellent, but 2 - 3 eggs isn't too shabby. OccDoc and I are happy with that number, so we'll see what happens. We started our antagonist (ganirelix) today as well as upping our dose of fsh (bravelle). The antagonist injections are to prevent ovulation so we don't lose the 2 big follicles, and the fsh injections are to help the smaller (and bigger) follicles continue to grow, so maybe 1 or 2 more follicles get bigger and hopefully contain a mature egg. Or at least that's how I understand things. And the blood work isn't back yet.

So, there you have it a super boring, super technical blog post. In a nutshell, things are plugging along slowly, my right ovary is being a lazy bitch as per usual, and next week we should be doing the egg retrieval. I'll update tomorrow, but again it will be another boring, technical post. Sorry 'bout that. Have a fabulous weekend, people!

Is This Rude?

2011-09-23T06:00:00.003-06:00

I know the answer is resounding yes, but exactly how rude would it be to ask my pregnant coworker how much weight she gained? I know it is so, so rude to be asking this, but I really want to know. In case you're wondering this is my coworker who is 21, got married, then pregnant 3 months later, then told everyone (like EVERYONE) she was pregnant at...wait for it...6 weeks. Of course. And, yes, I am bitter and crazy jealous in case you are wondering.

This is also my coworker who wanted an 'all natural' pregnancy and chastised me for suggesting she call her doctor for some safe cold/sinus medicine when she was miserable with a head cold a few months ago. Best part: She told me she wanted an 'all natural' pregnancy in between bites of Cheezits and Swedish Fish while a Ho Ho wrapper languished in the garbage. And I didn't laugh at her. I think I should get points for that.

Going through infertility has made me very jaded and snarky...oh wait...I think I was that way pre-infertility. Anyway, this coworker was about the size of my pinky when she told me she was pregnant and now she is the size of a house. Or duplex, not sure where the cut off is. Today I came in and saw a king sized Kit Kat wrapper in the trash amid several fruit snack wrappers (at least she's attempting to eat fruit). Oh, this is also the coworker who ate FISTFULS of cashews to help fend off morning sickness. FISTFULS. All day. For weeks. I'm sure the cashews were covered in some sort of chemical to make them palatable for her.

Am I terrible person for thinking and blogging about this? Oh, absolutely! Is this one of the meanest things I've thought/written about? Without a doubt. Does it mean that if I get pregnant that I will gain like 90 pounds? Most definitely, but it is so worth it. This is what brings my twisted mind comfort. The fact that my coworker is having an 'all natural' pregnancy while stuffing her face full of processed food. Plus, I know this is terrible, and I'll probably lose followers over it, but after spending a my entire teenage and adult life monitoring my weight and dieting, I freakin' love when skinny girls get fat. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Perhaps I'm just projecting my annoyance at my coworker for not helping me out with shifts next week. I'm taking 2 shifts off so I can potentially have my egg retrieval and transfer in peace without having to worry about the stupid shit that goes on at work. I covered a ton of shifts for this particular coworker (6 in the last 2 months - for my work 6 is a ton) so she could go to doctor's appointments and have 2 baby showers. Why isn't she covering any of my shifts? She is 'too busy getting ready for the baby' - exact words. I know babies are a lot of work, but she works 10 hours a week and still has a good couple of months. I should have sneezed on her so she gets my cold, but knowing she is gaining so much weight made me take pity on her and I sneezed into my elbow. Fortunately I was able to find other people to cover and now I can lounge next week. Hopefully.

Can't We Work Together Here?

2011-09-22T10:09:00.004-06:00

Come on, body, let's be a team for once in our life. It seems my body and I are rarely on the same page. Sigh. I've been on the Dukan Diet for 66 days now. At the beginning of this week I have been really lax and moved into the third phase of the diet (kind of, I've really just been cheating), so I would stop losing weight and just stabilize while I'm stimming (taking fertility drugs) and my ovaries cook up some good eggs. Those ladies are working hard so I want to be sure I'm feeding them properly.

For the month before I started this cycle I lost 4 pounds, not too shabby. For the last week (actually since Sunday) I've been trying to stabilize and not lose anything, um, I lost another 4 pounds. WTF? Okay, I attribute the loss to stopping the birth control pills, but seriously, I ate a piece of cake AND a cupcake this week and still lost 4 pounds? How is it when I eat like a rabbit I don't lose anything, but when I eat like a frat boy I lose 4 pounds? I'm not sure frat boys eat cake and cupcakes, but I couldn't think of an animal that eats poorly for that example.

I am super happy with my recent weight loss (20 pounds in 66 days), but I kind of want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to have a successful IVF cycle, the scale be damned. Okay, I'm not sure cupcakes will get me pregnant, but I'm more than willing to try it out. OccDoc is still dieting and doing fabulous - I think he's down close to 28 or 29 pounds in 66 days, so I try not to 'cheat' when he's home. Today I think I'm going to take myself out to lunch and have, gasp, a turkey sandwich to see if that stops the loss. Hear that, ovaries, we're getting bread!

On a related note, I've been trying to take really good care of myself this past week. How does my immune system reward me for my careful, thoughtful behavior? By catching a cold. Awesome, thank you, body. I think I'm having side effects from the FSH injections, but I'm not sure if my permanently queasy stomach and blinding headache is from my head cold or the meds. I assume the post nasal drip and deep, sexy voice are all courtesy of the cold. And the joint pain is from the femara as per usual.

Yesterday, OccDoc came down the stairs to find me balled up in a really weird position, kind of the fetal position mixed with touching your toes on a chair. He asked if I was doing yoga or something. My response, 'No, just seeing if I squish my ovaries if they hurt.' I definitely think I should be in more pain, and it's slightly concerning that my midsection is somewhat comfortable. Hopefully the discomfort will set in soon and I'm be reassured that my ovaries are working hard.

So there you have it, a tiny dose of the whining OccDoc hears on a daily basis. Poor guy. He even took my constructive (or not so much) feedback on administering shots to heart and is going to practice again tonight. Outside of the house I am a strong, whinefree woman, but, man, once you close the doors I am the whinest baby in the world. Especially when I have a cold.

First Shot by the Doc

2011-09-21T07:02:00.004-06:00

I've only been to OccDoc's clinic a handful of times for actual medical care, normally it's a social call. The last time was a couple years ago when I went in for a flu shot, normally I don't get flu shots, but that year the army was giving away free flu shots to dependents. And if it's free, it's for me! Anyway, OccDoc was supposed to give me my flu shot that time, but when I got to the clinic I quickly found one of the nurses and she agreed to give me the shot instead of OccDoc. Because nurses are better at giving shots. Period. Well, that's what a nurse told me when I worked at a hospital in Chicago, she said, 'Never let a doctor give you a shot.' Okay, Judy, I won't. Until last night. Please note: I'm not ripping on my husband in this post and he's still a fine doctor. I think anytime someone gives me a shot I will criticize them. Cuz that's what I do. :)

Last night was the first night of FSH injections (Bravelle if you must know), since I'm on a low stim protocol I've just been taking Letrozole (Femara), which are pills. But last night was the first time OccDoc gave me a shot as well. I let him mix the four vials and get everything ready. People, it was so hard to watch and just let him do his thing. I kept asking why he was doing things the way he was and saying 'that's not how the nurse at the fertility clinic showed me' and things like that. Oh and this gem: 'If you were a nurse this wouldn't take so long and we'd already be watching glee.' Ha ha, I'm mean, but we missed the first 10 minutes. :(

Remember, OccDoc missed the meds/injection/IVF class at the fertility clinic. I attended the 2.5 hour class and managed to stab myself and bleed all over, but I did attend and I did learn stuff. And, let's face it, OccDoc has only had 4 years of medical school, 3 years of residency, and 3 years of being an attending; come on, I took a 2.5 hour class. Who's more qualified? The correct answer is: me. In my opinion. Fine, maybe OccDoc has a smidgen more experience than I do, but it was still hard to just let him mix everything. That medicine is flippin' expensive, and what if he messed up (he didn't).

After he prepared the medicine it was injection time. I dislike seeing needles go into my skin so I looked away. That was my mistake; I should have supervised. The needle going in was no problem, but then OccDoc pressed the plunger so freaking fast. I don't know about you, but I think I would have preferred a bit slower for actual injection. Not super slow, but not lightening fast either. Sigh.

I was really glad OccDoc was there to do everything no matter how difficult it was for me to let him do it. IVF in it's nature is very woman-focused, so I think it's good that OccDoc is participating in every way he can. Plus, this will give him good practice on how I like to get injections. You know, for when he gives me Botox in a few years. LOL!

Scentsy Gift Certificate Winner

2011-09-20T16:23:00.003-06:00

Congrats, Beth from This American Wife! Lucky number 20! Thank you to everyone who entered, and by the way Pumpkin Marshmallow is awesome. :)

I Got a New Dress!

2011-09-20T06:00:00.001-06:00

And OccDoc got a promotion; he always manages to steal my thunder. :( First, things first, and the dress I wore to his promotion ceremony.

Makeup:
Dress: Ann Taylor LOFT, Shoes: BCBGirls Yes, I was sucking in.

OccDoc loves him a booty shot, so I oblige.

Before heading out to dinner (post workout):

Okay, on to the army stuff, so OccDoc got promoted. When we found out he was eligible for promotion over a year ago we were floored and never thought he'd actually be able to do it. He missed his promotion date in June, but busted his ass and was finally promoted in August. The promotion ceremony was yesterday.

Normally, I leave rank off my blog, but I'm actually pretty f*cking proud of him. OccDoc made Major and I couldn't be happier for him. Congrats, OccDoc! I got to 'pin' OccDoc during the ceremony, basically I ripped off the old rank and stuck the new rank onto the velcro. And much to the amusement of everyone, except OccDoc, I punched the new rank in for good measure. What? You got to make sure those puppies stick on there! I was saying "pow" as I punched, because that's what normal people do apparently. And, no, you aren't imagining it; my fist is actually blurry in that photo because it was such a forceful and fast punch. Ha!

Post Punch - OccDoc is trying not to laugh, while I'm giggling away.

Suppression Check

2011-09-19T06:00:00.001-06:00

On Friday OccDoc and I went to our suppression check/baseline appointment to start our IVF treatments. Aunt Flo arrived a few days before and has been horrendous. The ultrasound completely set off ridiculous cramps and I was in so much pain/discomfort I didn't ask for a count of anything. OccDoc sucks at mental telepathy/mind reading, so he didn't know I wanted to know the count. My right ovary is an asshole and hides from the wand, so it's always an adventure for whoever is looking for her.

OccDoc and I, of course, forgot our 30 pages of consent forms we had spent a ton of time going through and initialing/signing at home. So, we had to go through another stack of them at the doctor's office. My blood was taken and estradiol level was 36. The doctor decided to move my cycle up a day. I told him that was a no-go since I already wrote my medications on my calendar. He laughed. I was not joking.

I was kind of hoping for one last day of not being on drugs, so it kind of threw me that I had to start meds on Friday night. Whatever, I still had an overfull glass of wine with them.

Since we're on a low stim (antagonist, for you nerds out there) protocol we only have one maybe two monitoring appointments, which was one of the perks of this cycle. Much easier to live a normalish life than a regular IVF cycle. He moved my monitoring appointment from next Monday to Saturday, so I'm really hoping by moving it I don't have to have an additional appointment (another $414 out of pocket, seems a bit pricey for a 2 minute ultrasound and a blood draw, but whatever). Oh well, fingers crossed, we're well on our way.

Oh, yeah, so the next two weeks are going to be rather IVF heavy around here; I don't blame you if you stop following. Although tomorrow's post is definitely not IVF related and it will include an outfit photo. :) Oh, hey, if you like Scentsy then you should enter my $25 Scentsy gift certificate giveaway by 10 AM MST tomorrow.

Other People's Excitement

2011-09-16T06:00:00.003-06:00

This morning I have my suppression check appointment to start the IVF cycle. So, ultrasound, blood work, and paperwork. I guess this is the big kick-off. I feel like we should go out and have a sundae or something, but then again I kind of want to treat it like a non-event.

I haven't told too many people in real life about the IVF cycle, maybe 6 or 7, but they are out of their minds excited about it. I'm, well, I'm not. When I was little and my pet rabbit died while having baby bunnies, my dad told me not to get too attached to the babies since they probably would die, too. Kind of a traumatizing thing to say, but he was right. It was an extremely likely scenario that two baby bunnies being raised by a 6th grader would die. Every day he would tell me not to get my hopes up too high since we aren't out of the woods yet. The babies lived long, happy lives. But I kind of feel like telling everyone around me to not get too attached to this cycle and not to get their hopes up.

I know I probably should be a bit more excited about my own IVF cycle, but after over 2 years of heartbreak I'm not sure how much more my little heart can take. I don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be devastated. I want to keep my expectations extremely low, then be shocked and delighted if this cycle is the one for us. When people say they're excited or that they feel good about this cycle I can't help but think, 'Well, what do you know?' I know they are just being nice by telling me good things, but chances are pretty good this cycle isn't going to work. I'm not dwelling on that fact, but it is a fact. I'm not wallowing in it, but I do accept it.

We're doing a low stim IVF cycle which has a lower success rate than a regular/high stim IVF cycle due to an increased cancellation rate and the fact that embryos usually aren't frozen (which, again, is something that appeals to us for personal reasons, so don't tell me we are wrong for not wanting to freeze embryos). The cycle is pretty simple, logistically, anyway. I start femara for a few days, which gives me pretty bad joint pain, but overall I tolerate well. Then we'll do FSH injections for a few days. And maybe some other injections, but we've got to wait and see on that one. Then our monitoring appointment on the 26th and possibly the trigger shot that evening/night or maybe another monitoring appointment. A day or two after that, the egg retrieval, more medication, then a couple to a few days later the embryo transfer. Then a pregnancy test. Pretty simple and straight forward. I think protocols are boring, but if you're like OccDoc and want to know more send me an email and I'll give you all the info your nerdy little heart desires. :) Plus, at this point my protocol isn't 100% decided on, the doctor wants to see what's going on inside before he pulls the trigger on anything.

And, as those of you familiar with the fertility world, nothing is set in stone and all dates are subject to change. And if you are familiar with IVF you'll probably say it sounds like a pretty easy cycle, which I'd agree with you. Yeah, it's weird, I'm not really excited or nervous, just kind of like eh, whatever, more fertility stuff. I have a feeling my lack of excitement probably stems from the amount of money we've spent on a chance of becoming pregnant; it's a lot easier to be excited about something that you aren't paying for, so that's probably why everyone else is so excited. Who knows?

IRL Friends

2011-09-15T07:21:00.003-06:00

You probably think from reading my blog that I have tons of friends in real life because I'm so wonderful and funny. That people just flock to me wanting to be my friend. And you would be wrong. I think I'm a shitty friend or something because I don't have too many in real life. Part of the problem, as per usual, is the army; moving every 1-2 years isn't exactly conducive to friend making and we have never lived near (enough) to a decent sized installation for me to meet other wives there. Part of the problem is me and the fact that I'm sick of having to make friends all the time. I know it's kind of sad and disgusting that I'm sick of trying to make friends, but it's really exhausting.

We've been in this state for about 3 years now, and I'm fortunate that I've met some people who say hi to me on a regular basis and some who even smile when they see me. And I have some pretty good friends here, well, not here, but about an hour away.

I've been trying to find and make some friends in real life who can understand this fertility disaster I currently find myself in. While OccDoc was deployed one of my friends was going through IVF, and we got really close. We saw each other at work and I even wrote her a letter of recommendation for nursing school since I was her pseudo-boss. When OccDoc came back and I was away, she found out she was pregnant, but sadly miscarried a few weeks later. I emailed her when she was pregnant and said when I'd be back (with OccDoc) and she wanted to meet up. Then I emailed her when I did get back and she said she miscarried. Obviously, I sent what I thought was a nice email and told her I was here for her and to take all the time she needed, but she said she still wanted to get together. I've sent her a couple of emails (a couple months later) to see how she was and how nursing school was going, but I haven't received a reply. It sucks, and now that I'm on the eve of my IVF cycle it would be nice to have a battle buddy.

Then, I had another failed fertility/infertility friend just recently. I normally treat facebook like a dirty, scary basement. If I need something from there, I run in, grab what I need, try not to look around, and get the hell out of there. FB is just a source of heartache and stress for me, sad but true. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I wanted to check that my sister-in-law's email address was right, so I logged in. A girl I went to high school and college with said she and her husband passed their homestudy, turned in a bunch of paperwork, and were officially a waiting couple for an adoption. She also listed a blog about it, which I stalked. I emailed her to tell her congratulations and that I hope the process goes quickly for them. And I said how I admired her for being so forth coming about their decisions. I also mentioned I know how hard it is to struggle with infertility. A short, and in my opinion, sweet note to offer encouragement and congratulations. And crickets, no response. Strike Two!

I did get to meet up with an old friend from work last night; she quit work to have her 4th child about 6 or 7 months ago. One of our sorority girls I manage at work had to drop a shift, so I called my friend to see if she needed a 'sanity shift' to get her out of the house one night a week for a few hours. She said yes, and I worked her shift with her to 'train her' but we spent the whole time catching up. She's known OccDoc and I have been trying for a couple of years because she asked shortly after she got pregnant. When she found out we were having trouble, she immediately apologized for having 4 kids, which was hilarious but appreciated. We spent some time talking about how her life has changed with 4 kids (3 boys and 1 girl) at home, then we moved on to trials in life and the struggles we all face. We talked about my upcoming IVF and even though she can't imagine what I'm going through, she was very empathetic and understanding. We got onto the topic of 'how did my life get here' and talked about her family's financial problems, I have no idea what it's like to have 4 kids and be considering applying for food stamps but I tried to be empathetic and understanding. Then we both agreed that even though life really sucks and is unfair sometimes we would always pick our own problems if we had to choose. It's true, everyone has problems, everyone is fighting their own battles, and while it would be really nice to wish and hope our problems and trials away, we can't. They're our problems and we would not trade them away for anyone else's problems, no matter how easy we think their life is.

It was nice to have that conversation with someone who isn't my husband over a cup of coffee. The internet and blogging community is fabulous and I love you guys, but there's just something about talking to someone in real life. I'm still kind of bummed I don't have a fertility/infertility battle buddy in real life, but I do have a few friends who know what I'm going through and are supportive in the best way they know how and that's really all anyone can hope for. I am so thankful for all the people who have supported us through what has been a trying couple of years.

Get the Funk Out

2011-09-14T06:36:00.005-06:00

When we moved into our rental home in May it stunk. Like bad. The landlord had a carpet cleaner come over, I paid to have the carpet cleaned again by a different guy, and I rented a carpet cleaner from the grocery store. The carpets were much better after being scrubbed so much, but every time I vacuum or drag something across the floor the funk is back. The Chihuahuas have been very well-behaved here and haven't added to the funk with their own funk. It seems the last tenant who lived here had a puppy they never bothered to let outside. Ever.

Ah, the life of a renter. And this was the best house we could find here. The other places we looked at made me glad I'm up to date on my tetanus shot. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I just couldn't stand it anymore. I've been using Wallflowers since we moved in, but they haven't touched the smell. All the other plug-in scented things are too chemically smelling for me. I have an extremely acute sense of smell normally, but with the fertility meds it's like 1,000 times more sensitive. Last week I was browsing around on some blogs and thought that I should give Scentsy a try.

I had a trillion questions, so I emailed Katie, who is a Scentsy consultant. I placed my order a week ago, and yesterday I saw the Scentsy box waiting on the porch when I got home from work. I had places all picked out for my warmers - kind of tucked away so they won't be front and center. Once I saw my warmers in real life I had to scrap my plan and put those babies out front and center. They were so cute! I plugged them in and popped in a few squares of scent. Heavenly. My house smells delicious.

OccDoc is plagued by terrible allergies this time of year. If my doctor was sniffling and sneezing like OccDoc I think I would leave, just get up out of the waiting room and walk out. He came home last night and said the house smelled wonderful. Even his stuffed up nose could smell it. But, the scents aren't overpowering and they are very natural smelling. Dennis, my giant rabbit, was extremely interested in the Pumpkin Marshmallow scent, which makes me glad I didn't get 'Carrot' scent since I'm sure the warmer would be on the floor busted from Dennis' curiosity.

I got the Hope warmer which matches our bedroom perfectly, and the Boho Chic warmer that looks fabulous in my living room. Have you guys tried Scentsy? Would you like to?

I feel bad about being so selfish, so I decided to have a giveaway for a $25 gift certificate to Katie's Scentsy store. There are several ways to enter:

Mandatory Entry: Be a follower of mine and tell me your favorite Scentsy scent in a comment. If you don't have a favorite then what scent would you like to try?

For one additional entry: Like Live.Love.Scents. on Facebook and leave me a separate comment telling me you've done so.

For one additional entry: Follow Katie at Like Sunshine After Rain and leave me a separate comment telling me you've done so.

**Neither Katie nor Scentsy paid me for my opinion; I am just absolutely delighted with my warmers, scents, and the customer service I received, and I think you will be, too.

The giveaway ends at 10 AM MST on Tuesday, 9/20, so get your entries in quickly. Good luck! I'll be using random.org to pick the luck winner.

Wrapped up in Selfishness

2011-09-13T07:19:00.004-06:00

We spent this weekend with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law canoeing and camping. I think it was a great way to unplug and reflect on Sept. 11 without being bombarded with painful images and sounds of the day. We watched Big Horn Sheep jump around on mountain cliffs and marveled at the five bald eagles we saw flying over head.

I also did some thinking this weekend and talked with OccDoc about a few items. I have a tendency to overextend myself and to get too wrapped up in things. I take on the pain and stress of other people and make it my own, not in a martyr way, but in an empathetic way. This month I've decided to stop it. Bad things aren't going to stop happening and I'm not saying I'm going to stop caring, but I am going to stop bending over backwards for people and crying about other people's hardships. I'm being selfish. For the next two-ish weeks I have nothing on my mind but this IVF cycle, but in a good way, not in a crazy-stressed-out way. I'm going to try to stay centered and focus on being healthy: mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Yesterday was my last birth control pill. If I hadn't spotted for the last 4 weeks I'd wait for AF to start, but now I'm just kind of waiting for the bleeding to stop. Bleh. Friday I have my Suppression Check appointment, they'll do an ultrasound and take a look at my ovaries and check my hormone levels. They'll also go over dosing for my meds and OccDoc and I will sign the mountain of consent forms. For the last week I've been nervous trying to figure out what we're going to do if this doesn't work, running the figures to see if we can try again right away. This week I'm trying to put that out of my mind and I'm just focusing on one day at a time.

So, people, I still really care about you, but if I seem to be a little less comment-y or unresponsive, this is why. I will leave you with something completely unselfish. We went to the State Fair on Friday and it was actually pretty good for a fair. OccDoc and I walked through the rabbit exhibit about four times. There were so many baby bunnies. I haven't had a real baby bunny in about 10 years; I've been adopting from shelters and whatnot, but the babies were so cute! And tiny! I got Dennis when he was a baby, but he was huge (like the size of a normal bunny when he was a baby) and he was sick. So he wasn't a fun, playful little baby, he was crabby because I had to give him shots of medicine. I think OccDoc is almost convinced that we need some sort of baby around here. How can anyone resist this?

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The Star Pupil is Bleeding

2011-09-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

Last Friday I had my IVF class; OccDoc was not there. It lasted 2.5 hours. It was only supposed to last 2 hours, but I ended up bleeding all over myself, the supplies, and the table, so we had to take a break to clean up. Yup, that is what happens when you give me a sharp, pokey implement. I stab myself and end up bleeding everywhere.

It happened a few years ago when I had to give one of my rabbits injections. I stabbed the rabbit, then stabbed myself. I was fairly certain I was going to get some dreaded rabbit blood disease, but I managed to survive. Then, when I had to give Dennis (current house rabbit) injections when he was a baby I managed to stab myself again.

Yeah, the medical arts are not one of my strong suits. The nurse who did my class was sarcastic and hilarious. We had such a good time. Then she busted out the needles. I said she should get some gauze, too. She, apparently, thought I was joking. About 30 seconds into the injection lesson I don't know what happened but the mixing needle was in my finger. The damn thing must have hit a direct line or something because blood was dripping out of my finger. Like way too much for me to just play it off. Like I had to grab my finger, apply pressure, and still managed to get blood EVERYWHERE. Yay, me. It's been a week and I can still see the 'wound' on my finger. I have no doubt I can give myself injections after giving a baby bunny injections, but I might just have to do it outside so I don't bleed all over the light tan carpet in the house.

I think my husband is slightly better than me at giving injections even though he's a doctor. I spent the better part of today setting up OccDoc's Clinic at home. I laid out all the medications (don't worry nothing needs to be in the fridge, room temp is okay), syringes, swabs, and crap like that on my little dresser covered with a very medical-looking white tablecloth that probably needs to be ironed. I put OccDoc's name plate he got when graduating from medical school on the dresser, too. Then I set up the exam table, i.e. my massage table with snowflake sheets. If there weren't wedding photos all over I'd swear I was at the doctor's office.

Come on, where's the fun in doing an IVF cycle if you don't get to at least play doctor at home?

House Arrest

2011-09-08T06:00:00.001-06:00

Do you ever feel like you're on house arrest when you're waiting for a package? I always think of about 10,000 things to do if I could just make a quick trip to the store or where ever first, but you can't leave because if you do you'll come back to a delivery notice stuck on your front door. Most of the time when I order stuff online I request not to have a signature required so the delivery person can just leave the package. Pretty much all the time.

I got a package yesterday and when I ordered it the customer service agent asked if I wanted a signature required before putting a charge of $1,700 on my credit card. Um...I think $500 is my breaking point. No, I'm not going to let the delivery person put a package worth $1,700 on my front porch and just hope it will be there when I can find time in my busy day to casually stroll out and retrieve it. What?! I want the delivery person to lovingly place that package in my grubby little hands after I show them a government-issued photo ID while I repeat, 'My Precious' over and over again.

What did I order? Did I go a little over board on etsy? Perhaps trying to earn some extra points on my Nordstrom card? Unfortunately, no. It was the delivery of my medications for the low-stimulation IVF cycle we have coming up mid-month. If I was doing a regular/high stim IVF cycle then you could add about $1,000-1,500 to the total. Hemorrhaging money, we are absolutely hemorrhaging money after paying for the actual IVF cycle, the meds, oh, and an emergency trip to Chicago for OccDoc this month. I really hope the bleeding stops soon...

OccDoc is a Crappy Housewife

2011-09-07T08:07:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I went to work while OccDoc stayed home. He was still decompressing from his trip back to see his family, so he wanted to stay home. It was a pretty intense trip, so I can't blame him. While OccDoc was gone I did several projects, namely cleaning out the closets and organizing our office. We moved in May, but downsized considerably and lost a bunch of storage space. As a result our closets were a f*cking diasaster, to put it nicely. OccDoc was lucky he was 1,500 miles away because I found some unpleasantness in the closets. Every once in awhile I get a wild hair up my ass and I organize/spring clean. I generally make a pile for OccDoc to sort through and take care of. By take care of I mean: sell, donate, repair, throw away, or actually use. There are 5 choices there, not 6. OccDoc has created a 6th option that he neglected to tell me about: hide so the wife doesn't find my pile of shit until we move again and hope she forgets about it. This wife don't forget.

As I was sorting through the closets I exclaimed on numerous occasions, 'What the f*ck is this doing here?!' Usually when I found something OccDoc 'hid' away. I told OccDoc if I ever find those things again they are going straight to the trash an he won't have the opportunity to sort through and rescue them. Once last chance to sort through the shit pile. I am a ruthless closet cleaner, moving so much has severed all sentimental ties to material possessions. I have a memory box in the garage that I put sentimental stuff in, but most everything is from my childhood or wedding. I used to be someone who saved movie ticket stubs. LOL! Oh, how far I've come.

I think OccDoc started sorting through his pile (the size of a laundry basket) yesterday. He also ran the dishwasher and swept out the garage. While I was at work I got a text message from OccDoc saying he was at the Starbucks by my work. I work 50 minutes away from home, and, granted, there is no Starbucks in a 26 mile radius of our house (sad but true) but that shouldn't have been enough of a draw to attract OccDoc. I assume he was lonely because we ended up going out to lunch and chatting for awhile before I went to an appointment and he got his oil changed. My work day is only 6 hours long. OccDoc's work day is supposed to be 10, but it's usually 12 sometimes 24 hours when there is overnight call involved. In the 3 years I have had a part time job and been a part time housewife I've never shown up at OccDoc's work just because. Of course this could be because Starbucks is even further from OccDoc's work.

If I'm bored at home I find things to do. Like blogging. Or cleaning the couch cushions because one of the Chihuahuas barfed on it on Sunday (I was kind of hoping OccDoc would clean that up). Or mowing the jungle of a backyard. Or washing the dead insects off the front of the house. Or washing the bathroom floors because I didn't get to that when I cleaned the house this weekend. Or about 1,000 other things that need to be done around the house. I guess you just learn to keep yourself occupied as a housewife who has been through a deployment. OccDoc just doesn't have the experience.

I do feel blessed to have a husband who does basic chores at home without being asked or reminded. I've never had to ask him to take out the trash or clean up the kitchen. He puts his dirty laundry in the hamper every single time (his wife is a different story). If he runs out of t-shirts he washes a load of laundry, folds it, and puts it away instead of whining about not having anything to wear to work. I couldn't ask for a better husband, but he just isn't much of a housewife.

Unanswered Prayers

2011-09-06T03:20:00.004-06:00

OccDoc returned yesterday; he'd been gone for about 6 days trying to take care of things in Chicago. His dad is still in the hospital and it looked like he was getting better, but that might have been a mirage. His mental status is changed. For the worse. His dad seemed happy to see OccDoc and his brother and sister, but OccDoc told me his dad never said anyone's name or made any indication that he understood who his visitors were. I guess he thought OccDoc was just a nice guy who hung around his room a lot. There were some moments of joyful clarity, but it was mostly heartbreaking for OccDoc to see his dad slip into this mental void.

OccDoc is frustrated with a lot of things. He's frustrated that we live so far away, but, in a way, extremely thankful. He's frustrated he didn't spend more time with his parents when we went back to Chicago this summer. It was a trip to see everybody, so we couldn't really spend quality time with anyone. He's frustrated he can't look at his dad's medical records, although I did remind him that even though he is a doctor, he isn't his dad's doctor. And that he doesn't have privileges at the hospital his dad is at nor does he even have a medical license to practice in that state. Just because you're a doctor doesn't mean you're special. OccDoc complained about professional courtesy, I reminded him of medical liability. I must have been in hospital administration in a previous life.

He's also frustrated that no one noticed his dad's mental status slipping away while he was deployed. I noticed when we went back to see his parents this summer, but I assumed OccDoc's dad was just having a bad day. He's in his early 80s and has had a few strokes, so sometimes he just had bad days when he was 'off'. Apparently, the last few months have been nothing but bad days and nobody said or did anything. I'm sure OccDoc blames himself for not being around to notice it, but he's always been way too hard on himself (um, yes, you have, OccDoc, it's not your fault).

Everyone is frustrated at the state of affairs of his parents' lives. OccDoc's mom is completely, absolutely oblivious to almost everything related to family finances. Her response to pretty much everything was, 'Oh, Daddy took care of that.' Um, not really, Daddy just kept digging the hole deeper. She has no idea how deep they are (it's pretty frickin' deep). What ever fantasy world OccDoc's mom lives in is just amazing to me. I don't know if I'm just jaded or too protective of myself, but even though I'm not in charge of the bills around here (because I hate paying bills) if needed, like when OccDoc was deployed, I could take over, begrudgingly, paying the bills with no problem. I'd sure complain about it, but the bills would get paid.

OccDoc and his brother and sister spent the better part of the last week ransacking his parents' house, going through boxes and stacks of papers and bills, and trying to get a handle on the monthly expenses. The deeper they got, the worse the situation. Absolutely heart-retching. They researched a number of senior living apartments and broached the topic with OccDoc's mom. After several days of stonewalling she gave in and resigned to the idea of walking away from their house and 'starting over' in something smaller and cheaper, like a senior living apartment. I can't imagine how hard that would be, mainly because we've never lived anywhere long enough to actually care about it and not be ready to move on a moment's notice because someone else thought it was a good idea, no, I'm not bitter. If I could imagine it, then, yeah, I guess it's probably hard.

I know all this weighs heavily on OccDoc's mind. And on mine, too, since it's 3:40 in the morning. We've been hoping for miracles for the past few years, but have found out in the past couple of years that miracles are pretty hard to come by, so we just don't know what to do right now. There is no room at the inn, my mind is too full with my own worries to process anyone else's at this point in time. We're just hoping and praying that OccDoc's dad gets better and recovers, but right now it looks like those prayers, like so many of our other prayers, are going unanswered.